We just moved to Tybee Island from New Jersey and want to have all of our neighbors over to get to know them. Do you have any recommendations for us? Yes! Of course! I personally don’t like people, and I especially don’t like knowing about them, but if this is your idea of fun, let’s roll with it. First and foremost, the most Southern thing there is (besides lack of public school funding, and the bar to dentist office ratio being 38:1) and what Southerners are very proud of is what is called a “Low Country Boil.” Low Country Boils are when a large pot is filled with water and brought to a boil. A seasoning is added, usually something full of sodium, and stirred. Most frequently lemons are cut up and thrown in. It starts with potato and sausage, then corn and crab, and finally shrimp is added (in the shell, or death outfit as I like to call it). This is all heated, stirred, and finally, poured onto a table covered in newspaper. Short version. Now, here’s the perfect walk-through to help you accomplish this: A Low Country Boil consists of the most alpha male in the group. Pause. To a Yankee, Midwesterner, or West Coaster, this would be the most dominant male in the group. Unpause. In the South this term tends to refer to the most functioning alcoholic of the lot, and the one who should be left in charge of making fire. To achieve Alpha status you must first prove you’re worthy by consuming large amounts of high end beer like Coors Lite or Michelob Ultra early in the morning. Once you’re good and sauced, it’s time to start a fire. In most civilized societies, fire wood from a tree is used, frequently paired with a starter log. In the south, the preferred method is wolmanized wood, or bits of broken furniture and assorted odds and ends strewn about your property. Once the fire is going, remember that no one makes a Low County Boil over a wood burning flame, and pull out your propane heater. Most gas stations sell propane, which is smart since all of our most combustible liquids should be stored near each other under a faded no smoking sign. When you have your flame going, it’s time to fill a large pot with water. And I mean LARGE pot, something Anne Geddes would cook a child in - I mean use to photograph a child in. Once you have acquired this pot, fill it with water. Bottled water is the preferred method. I use La Croix but I grew up better than all of you, so you can use the hose if that’s what you like. Once you have the large pot of water over your heat source, I recommend staring at it. This is the best way to insure the water boils quickly. As the water is coming to a boil, you should be slowly mixing in your preferred seasoning. Popular brands include Louisiana, Old Bay, Zatarains, Slap Ya Mama, and my favorite - the spicy mix they sold at Bowie’s Seafood until those jerks closed up shop. Way to ruin my life. Now that you’ve added your mix, it’s time to cut some lemons in half. My chef at work taught me to squeeze the lemons in your fist; not only does this extract the juice, but it also helps locate any abrasions you may have on your hand (you are most welcome to add onion to your boil, however I choose not). At this point I would enter the potatoes and sausage to your boil. Allow them both to boil for ten to fifteen minutes. Once they’ve boiled, it’s time to add the corn and crab. Now the crab of choice is Blue Crab. It’s plentiful in the waters around Tybee (and Little Tybee). These crabs are very easy to identify - if you’re walking in the water, and something bites your foot and won’t let go, that’s a Blue Crab. I recommend using these sons of bitches since they taste delicious, and I have a personal grudge against one. Let them boil another ten minutes then add some shrimp. The shrimp should be boiled around 5 minutes, then pour the water off, and dump the contents of your pot directly on the table like this is some undeveloped nation. If you’re simple, the highlight of a boil is getting to eat off the newspaper. I don’t know where you get them since print is dead. But I’m sure eBay sells them. Now some say you don’t have to drink at a Low Country Boil, in the same sense that you also don’t have to be outside for a beach party. It’s ultimately unavoidable. The best I can recommend is lite beer, a magnum of chardonnay, and possibly fireball. Or Jaeger. Once everyone is full and drunk you’ll be the hit of the neighborhood. Hope you find this useful! MOVIE REVIEW By Alaina Loughridge gifted (A Tybeewood Movie) I know. It’s about time I went to the movies and enlightened my hardcore fans about what to watch. Well, everyone on Tybee MUST see this movie!! Not only do we have appearances by our very own Ron Goralczyk (as a taxi driver no less) and Sean McNally (as a bar patron no less), along with several other locals we know, but most every single scene was shot directly on Tybee with minor to no details changed. From Poos to that little house on Butler, it is Tybeewood y’all! Chris Evans (Captain America) stars as the uncle to Mckenna Grace (of nothing you will remember – she is, after all, 11 years old). He is charged with her care after his sister/her mom dies. After home schooling her for several years, he sends her off to May Howard (known as Howard School in the movie). There they discover that this precocious child is a math protégé with exceptional gifts (my adding skills aren’t even acceptable, so I was blown away by her). Well Mom/Grandma comes along, played brilliantly by Lindsay Duncan (the drunken lady in Under the Tuscan Sun) and wants the kid to go to a school for specially gifted children: Court battle to follow. I am not going to ruin the ending for either one of us, but just know it is worth the watch. Octavia Spencer (of The Help) also stars as the neighbor everyone wants for their own and, of course, is brilliant! There are several other actors involved, but you won’t know them off the bat and you don’t care anyway. Tybee Post Theater deserves a huge shout out for putting on several showings of this fantastic movie. So easy - you didn’t even have to drive to Victory (you know, that place far away across the bridge). I give this movie 5 bottles of Gout de Diamants, Taste of Diamonds (at a mere $2.07 million per bottle) because we are Tybee and that’s how we roll (when we are not drinking PBR). Now, I am going to go get Ron and Sean’s autographs! I am going to see if Sean’s beard will also give me an autograph! TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JUNE 2017 11
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