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34 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JUNE 2017 By Margie McLellan Diary of a Vinegar Guinea Pig By Alaina Loughridge If you are anything like me, you hate rules. Do this, don’t do that, blah, blah, blah. But the older I get, I suppose I’ve learned a thing or two. Most rules are made for the good of all. Took me long enough to learn that… The first time we came here (a millennia or two ago) as tourists, we learned these rules the hard way. Back then, there was a worn-out sign at the crossover on the way to the beach; I looked at it in passing, but didn’t pay much attention. We were on vacation!! We were on our way to the beach with a cooler full of beer … bottled beer. We were sitting there drinking our beer, enjoying ourselves immensely, without a care in the world. Next thing I knew, there was a couple of policeman standing there in front of us! Come to find out, glass bottles were forbidden on the beach. Who knew? Who cared? Well, long story short, the police (back in the day) took my husband to jail!! And everyone on the beach was watching. It was quite the scene and quite embarrassing. And a hefty fine ensued. Seems that same week-end, we also parked in a no-parking spot on our way to breakfast. We felt quite good about ourselves, not having to pay for parking. I’m sure you can guess … yes, we got a parking ticket. Our children were horrified that we were contemplating moving here. They warned us, “Don’t do it!” Since neither of us like to be told what to do, we didn’t listen to them, thank God. We moved here a month later; but I promise you this, I’ve tried my best to “follow the rules” (well, most of the time). So, I’m giving you, our faithful readers, a list of our Beach Rules. Please read and follow them. They are posted for your safety: 1. Obey the lifeguards – They don’t just sit in their chairs to look cool (even though they do). They work hard to keep you safe. 2. Swim within 50 yards of shoreline – You endanger not only yourself, but those that have to save you. 3. Litter must be contained – Leave only your footprints. Please! 4. No glass or breakable containers – It’s all about broken glass, folks. 5. No pets – No one wants to step in doggy poop or get bitten. 6. No motorized vehicles – The beach is an awesome place to ride your bike, not so much for motor vehicles. 7. Do not remove any live marine animals – sand dollars, starfish, etc. Let’s respect our ecosystem. Live and let live. 8. Stay out of the dunes – Our beautiful dunes are there for a reason. They are our first line of defense against coastal storms and beach erosion. Believe me, we are still having nightmares about Hurricane Matthew. 9. Surf and fish only in designated areas – It’s all about safety! 10. No fires or camping on the beach – We have a beautiful campground for that. 11. No disorderly conduct, kegs, or nudity – We are a family beach, just saying… The Vinegar Diaries Part 1 (of God knows how many parts to come) I am not a hippy dippy tree hugger, but every once in a blue moon (beer that is) I will stumble across an idea that grabs my limited attention span. Clint Huggins was dining in one day and I was mentioning to several uninterested customers that my doctor had dropped the hammer on my dissolute debaucherous lifestyle and had described my cholesterol as, and I am quoting here “insane.” Apparently that is the latest medical term for people that eat out of to-go boxes every single day for five years. So I am bitching about salads with oil and vinegar dressing and Clint (who will be blamed if this all falls apart) mentions this fantastic vinegar that two teaspoons in 8 oz water taken after each meal works wonders on cholesterol, detoxifying the body (insert the word LIVER here), helps with weight loss, and in general improves your whole scene. The magic elixir is Bragg Organic Apple Cider Vinegar. O.K. Sounds interesting. So I tell Nell the next time she goes to IGA to grab me a bottle. Long story short, this isn’t the latest news as the IGA has been wiped clean. Now I am super interested; I text my inside IGA person to hijack the next bottle that comes off the truck. No go. No truck till Friday. It’s Wednesday. This is killing me. I must have this snake oil tonic! I will not cross Lazaretto, but I am flat out determined to make this happen. I put out my feelers, i.e., any bar patrons know anything about this? Sure enough Johnnie and Cheryl Kerby not only know all about it, they have various jars throughout their house in case of an emergency in any room of their house. Well well well. Johnnie says it has cured his gout. Cheryl says it has cured her heartburn. They both take it, although they both have HUGELY different stories of the taste of said panacea. Johnnie can do shooters of it with no problem, although he did acknowledge that the taste is not all that great. Cheryl, on the other hand, goes off on the wild tangent about devil’s piss and how she wouldn’t drink it if she was on fire. However, she does drink it, so it was quite the conundrum. Cheryl has me freaked out about the taste of this alleged elixir of life. Do they have a bottle I can use to begin my guinea pig experiments? You bet! Stop by after work. I did and here is my story: 04/20/17 Day One: I have porridge for breakfast (Quaker Oats Strawberry flavored oatmeal), with sliced bananas on top. Done. I carefully pour out 8 oz of water into a cup and break the seal on this mystery medicine. Shake well. I open the bottle and the first thing I do, and DON’T do it if you are following this recipe for sure disaster, is smell the damn stuff. NO. Bad idea. I knew it was a bad idea, but I did it anyway. So, instant put off, but I measure this mixture of calamity in progress and in the water it goes. I am so scared of Cheryl’s description that I get an automatic involuntary stomach spasm. I DO NOT want to barf up porridge with banana slices. Ick. I take a sip. Hey, not too bad; it ain’t great, as it is vinegar. It is not devil’s piss. Thank God!! I casually sip it until it’s gone and I feel pretty great. I don’t know if that is because I drank it and I did not barf, I drank it and am feeling a placebo effect, or just the simple fact that I drank it. Anyhoo, I wait for side effects. In the meantime, as I wait to see if my bowels are going to fall out, I actually Google it. To be continued …


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