28 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JULY 2017 By Margie McLellan Ok. I admit it. I love my phone. And I love to text. In fact, I’d rather text than talk. Just ask my daughter. One year on Mother’s Day, she texted me that the thing she was giving me was NOT to call me, just a text. I thanked her profusely. She understands me … the branch doesn’t fall far from the tree. Her husband, on the other hand, has no concept of this. Being the good son he is, he calls his mother almost every day. He just doesn’t get it. Thank God my daughter does. That being said, if you send me a text, I will answer you back right away. Well, usually…unless I really don’t like you or like what you have to say. On the other hand, nine times out of ten, if you call me, I probably won’t answer (yes, Alaina, except for you). I let it go straight to voice mail. And I may or may not call you back. The thought of my phone ringing makes me shudder. But I do love to hear the sound of the Ping when I get a text message! It almost makes me giddy. BUT… I’ve had it up to here with this so-called Group Messaging thing! I do appreciate the Group Messenger to think enough of me to add me to their group, but I usually have no idea who else is included in this socalled Group. I usually don’t answer a group message unless it’s my son, daughter-in-law or a very close friend. I don’t think my daughter has EVER group messaged me (like I said, she “gets” me). Thank you very much daughter! What irks me is that even if I choose not to answer in a group message, my phone will ping continuously, sometimes for days on end. And since I do love hearing the Ping from a text, I always look to see who it is. Their conversations will go on for days sometimes! And I always look! By this time I really don’t care who is saying what. The Straw that broke the proverbial Camel’s back happened to me a week or two ago. One morning my husband was doing his normal morning texting to me. He mentioned that he had transferred some money into savings. Yay! I do love savings! So I asked him in the text how much was in our savings account. He told me. Then I asked how much was in the checking account. He told me. We kept texting back and forth, then next thing I hear is the Ping I so love to hear. It was my son, asking us why we were relaying this private information on a Group Text! What?? To my horror, we were mistakenly texting on a group message with four other people!!! OMG. I can’t even explain my embarrassment. I’m sure you understand. This Group messaging thing has its positive points … I guess. If you want to relay the same message to numerous people, that is all good. For you, at least. But like I learned, what you say cannot be unsaid. So if you know me, want to tell me something, want me to respond to you via text, DO NOT, under any circumstances, include me in a Group Text! I will delete you ASAP. I may even unfriend you on Facebook. Now I’m waiting on one of those Group Messengers to text me to borrow some money… By J. Beebs Group Text Messaging Warning: Do not Eat This Article! I believe Panther Martin owes me at least a million dollars. Perhaps more. In fact, I’m certain I have the grounds for a class action lawsuit against Eagle Claw, Rooster Tail, the aforementioned Panther Martin, and other fishing gear and fishing lure manufacturers. And the damages! Oh the damages will be SUBSTANTIAL! We are talking reimbursement for every lost fishing lure from childhood. Every snag, every snapped line, every lost hook, every lost weight, and every lost lure, even the #2 yellow and red Panther Martin that I lost in third grade and cried for two days because that was my favorite fishing lure EVER. I had conquered every body of water in a 25 mile radius with the #2 yellow and red. And sadly, I lost it when I tried to cast a line over the barn and catch a feral cat or a possum – I never was sure what was moving over there (let’s save that story for another day). Allow me to explain. This realization of lost damages all started when I swung through McDonald’s for breakfast. You got me back with that all day breakfast market ploy Mickey D’s – so tricky. I’m such a sucker for the Egg McMuffin. Anyway, so I’m happily strolling along, thoughts of litigation far from my mind, when I noticed my coffee cup. And the very large warning label attached to the cup, which reads: WARNING: CONTENTS HOT! Well duh…..it’s coffee. But I did recall McDonald’s paying a few million dollars in the early 90’s when a Senior Citizen spilled coffee on her lap. To be fair, I’m told she did have some medical bills and it was absurdly stupidly hot coffee, where the temperature should have been measured in Kelvin. But that’s beside the point. I considered this coffee label and I realized: I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life. Maybe there’s a company or two or five that owe me some untold fortune because they didn’t have a warning sticker. And I realized my golden ticket - fishing lures. The combination of fishing lures and childhood had to be an expensive proposition for my parents. Because if there was a cast to be made, I tried it. Cast underhand, along the creek bed, under the limbs, over the log and between two limbs? Did it. Drop a line from a bridge and try to hoist a wiggly fat trout up to the bridge? Did that too. Overhand, underhand, sideways, between the trees, on the trees, in the trees, over the barn … all those lost lures and hooks. If only there was a warning sticker! Dang it! I feel wronged! Where’s the warning sticker that says: Warning: Don’t be an idiot! But wait! There’s more! I am losing headphones all the damn time. I’m happy the ear buds are down to $5 bucks because I need a new pair every month. They seem to be making them better too because this latest pair has made it through the washer twice. But where’s the warning label: Caution – Items are small, don’t lose them! Or Wash Them. And the list goes on. Sunglasses …. I never buy expensive sunglasses because I a.) lose them, b.) drop them and c.) step/sit/squish them. Often all three. Where’s my label: Warning: Do not Lose, Sit, Step or Squish! Sunscreen. SPF 6 blocks nothing. And you gotta reapply it every 41 seconds or risk third degree burns. Apple iPhone Chargers. Why do you always break in the same spot? And Kanye West – you brilliant twisted soul, I think you owe me a new car because the bass in Love Lockdown has vibrated all the gaskets in my motor loose. At least, that’s the explanation Nissan had for me right before they took the motor apart and applied silicone glue everywhere. Warning: Do Not Play Loud Bass in Car. All The Gaskets Will Vibrate Loose. You know, I could see where this could get out of hand in today’s society – all those lawyers running around. Maybe we should be proactive and just have the hospital hand out warning labels with every new kid. Congratulations Ms. Beeb, you’ve had a bouncing baby boy! Here’s your hospital bill and make sure you read ALL the disclosures on the last page, yes, right there honey, where it says: Congratulations New Mom and Dad! Warning: This little dude is just like you. Unpredictable! Handle with Care. Do not ignore this Product! Do not expose to Fishing Lures before age 3. Get used to paying for lots of things. PS - It’s all worth it!
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