childhood behavior how and why to ignore it! why shouldn’t parents negotiate with their kids? Most parents feel that when they negotiate with their children everyone wins. But in reality it’s only the children who are winning. Children learn very quickly to use negotiation to their advantage. Once they do they will try to negotiate everything in their lives. It becomes exhausting. Parents ask me, Why can’t I just say it’s time to turn the television off? Why can’t one cookie just be one cookie? Why can’t my child eat what’s on his plate without discussion? Children negotiate because it works. It gets them five more minutes of playtime or one more episode of Bob the Builder or that extra cookie. Even if every negotiation doesn’t end in a win for the child the successful times are enough to motivate then to try every time. If negotiation wasn’t an effective means to an end for children they wouldn’t bother with it. That’s the good news for parents. When they stop rewarding behavior by using Ignore It! it just disappears. So kids will stop negotiating everything in their lives when parents stop rewarding that behavior. how are parents unwittingly reinforcing bad behavior? Most parents assume that all inappropriate or unpleasant behavior must be disciplined. The only way they know how to stop behavior is to admonish, lecture or punish. But unfortunately they are reinforcing those unwanted behaviors without realizing it. Behavior that is reinforced, even with punishment or yelling, is likely to be repeated. Children misbehave for two reasons: to avoid something undesirable or to obtain something they do want. If whining about eating vegetables allows the child to avoid those carrots you can bet he will whine the next time carrots show up on his plate. If a teenager is angry because he isn’t allowed to play more video games he might lash out at his parent. When the parent responds with anger and yells at the child he doesn’t get to play video games. But he does make his parent just as angry and that acts as motivation continue to push buttons in the future. Sometimes the goal of the behavior is simply to provoke a parent. So when a parents responds in any way the behavior is reinforced. Additionally, even young children learn that whining, complaining and throwing a tantrum all increase the chances of getting to play a little longer, watching one more show or scoring a cake pop at Starbucks. Sure Mom or Dad usually put their foot down and say no. But often, when parents are tired or distracted, those behaviors are highly effective in obtaining those items. Therefore, parents are reinforcing those behaviors they want to see disappear without even realizing it. how can parents discern when it’s appropriate to ignore a behavior and when to step in? Most annoying and inappropriate behaviors can be ignored. This includes nagging, pestering, whining, complaining, negotiating and tantrums. Any conduct designed to provoke parents should be ignored including shocking statements, cursing and disrespectful comments. Instead of 34 WomanToWomanMagazine.com
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