TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | OCT 2017 15 It’s October. And October means Halloween and Halloween means scary. Things that go bump in the night, things that cause your heart to race, your hair to stand up. What scares you? What’s your phobia? Well if you’re like me (a well-rounded individual) I’m sure you have a couple fears. And as an island renowned advice columnist I’m here to talk you through some coming phobias. Clowns. They’re cute, they have big hair and red noses, often drunk. They’re like sorority girls from the 1970s. But sometimes people freak out around them. My job today as a licensed psychologist (ok it’s a fishing license) is to help you overcome this fear. And this one is simple. Hire a clown to break into your house late one night and tie you up. Once you have faced your fear you can move on with your life. (Fun Fact #1: If you leave a window unlocked he can sneak in quieter.) I guarantee you’ll sleep easier knowing nothing worse can ever happen to you. Heights. This one I understand, heights are scary. If God intended for me to be 14 feet in the air He wouldn’t have stopped my growth at 5’9”. Heights are all around us, from the shaky railing on your aunt’s balcony (you know, the aunt with all the cats), to using a step stool to remove the battery in the smoke detector before you cook. Heights are unavoidable. To safely overcome this fear you need a ladder, a friend, and maybe a mattress. Climb to the top of the ladder, the very top. Stand on the DON’T YOU DARE STAND HERE step. (Fun Fact #2: If that step was really so dangerous they wouldn’t have put it on the ladder.) Once you’re up there have a friend violently shake the ladder. Like they are a gorilla. And you’re a sexier gorilla trapped on top of a ladder. And they’re trying to shake you free. Aim for the mattress as you fall. Needles. Sharp pieces of metal “professionals” use to stab poor people with. I’ve never been a wealthy person, and I’ve never heard of wealthy people having to get shots or injections via needle. So this fear is only understood by the working class. My recommendation is to start big and work your way small. Have a friend throw lawn darts at you. Or ask someone to shoot an apple off your head with an arrow. Once you’ve built up a tolerance to stab wounds, you should be able to deflect smaller needles. Dentists. The Dentist? Really? How dare you. HOW. DARE. YOU. Dr. JessAnna is a perfect gem! You should be ashamed of yourself. She is an angel and we are lucky to have her. (Fun Fact #3: I need to schedule a cleaning.) Spiders. This is understandable. No one likes spiders, but it’s not their fault. We live in a society that forces us to believe seven is good, and eight is bad. How many days in a week? Seven. How many Deadly Sins? Seven. Favorite film starring Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman? That’s right, Seven. But then comes Eight. How many legs do spiders have? Eight. Sides on an Octagon? Eight. Sets of brass knuckles an octopus would need? Eight. We’re forced to hate spiders because they have too many legs. And we’re simple. Eight legs are confusing. Credit Card chip readers are confusing. But we can save that for a rant. Death. Death isn’t really scary. It’s just like taking a nap. Except people make a Facebook status about you and you never wake up. So, in reality it’s better than a nap. To protect against death I recommend being cryogenically frozen. Make sure they freeze you in a funny pose. If they won’t allow it, leave. I guess the scariest part of death is all the unknowns. But realistically, tomorrow is a giant unknown as well. Like am I actually going to wake up a motivated and functioning member of society? Probably not, but you never know. Snakes. I’ve saved this fear for last because it is the only rational one. Snakes are terrifying. All snakes are poisonous. They all have fangs. Snakes are said to “shed their skin” but in reality they’re so creepy they shiver it right off their damn bodies when they think about what kind of monsters they are. Recently I had a snake in my yard. He was massive. Easily a foot, foot and a half long. I was forced to face my fear and protect myself. I squirted body wash at it. Now he smells like a douche bag. Turns out shouting at and lathering up a snake does not bother them. He wouldn’t leave. So I did. As a once trained professional fork lift operator, I feel confident that all of these solutions will guarantee results or your money back.
20591TB
To see the actual publication please follow the link above