TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | OCT 2017 19 Somewhere during the aging process, I surrendered to the idea of bargain shopping. As a youngster, I used to hate shopping the clearance racks, because they never had the coolest and latest stuff. But now, as a slightly older, mellow kind of guy, who has followed his wife to countless yard sales, clearance sales, thrift shops, outlet stores, antique stores and auction houses, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s only one thing better than finding something on sale. And that’s finding it for free. So you can imagine my complete surprise when I saw a classic rain lamp sitting next to the garbage bin by some new condos. What! Are you serious? I couldn’t believe my eyes. You remember the rain lamps I’m talking about? Tall, cylinder looking light, with a semi-naked chick in the middle, surrounded by fish line wires? And there’s a little pump that squirts oil down the lines/wires, so it looks like there’s a partially naked goddess taking a shower in your sunken living room (remember we are talking late 70’s, early 80’s here; man caves didn’t exist yet). Yes, the rain lamp was all the rage. And they still hold some value today, going for a couple hundred bucks if you can find one. And right in front of me, next to a huge garbage bin, there appeared to be a rain lamp. I did what any of you would do. I picked it up and threw it in the back of the jeep. Looked ok to me. So I took it home, cleared the workbench, grabbed a beer, and evaluated my find. And oh, what a find! The lamp worked great! Cleaned the pump, replaced a couple wires, and bingo. My goddess was basking in all her rain glory. But it was a little grimy. So I grabbed the soap and started to scrub. And you can imagine my complete surprise when a cloud of smoke came billowing from under the goddess’s robe. Poof! “Free, free at last!” boomed a large voice from the purple smoke! The smoke cleared slowly, and in front of me was a massive Genie, who was stretching and smiling. I took another swig of beer and stood there stupidly with a dishtowel in one hand and a near empty Modelo in the other. “It’s great to be out again! Allow me to grant you one wish as a token of my gratitude,” boomed the genie, smoke swirling. Surprisingly, I kept it together. Finished the last swig of beer. Opened the fridge and grabbed another. Took a cold drink. “You sure it’s only one wish?” I asked quizzically, “because all the genie movies say you get three wishes?” As if having a genie appear in my garage was a daily occurrence. The Genie nodded sagely. “Obviously, you’ve seen the movie Aladdin! Maybe you’ve read Arabian Nights?” He peered down at me, then floated back up a bit. “Yes, Hollywood says three wishes, but that’s just Hollywood adding filler so they can make a 120 minute movie. Can you imagine how long the movie would be with one wish?” he chortled, and swirled about the lamp. My genie was animated! He expanded about the lamp, smoke twirling, and resumed talking. “But there is one thing Hollywood did get right, and that’s the limits my boy!” Then he started talking rapidly, “First off, you can’t wish for more wishes! That’s cheating! And you can’t wish for more Genies. That’s cheating! No Cheating!” he bellowed, looking irritated. Then he paused, reflected a minute, and resumed talking, “And no, I can’t make anyone fall in love or bring anyone back from the dead. Universal laws are tricky,” the genie nodded sadly. He stopped for a second and leaned closer. “And what am I forgetting?” He dove back in the lamp, and sprung back out with papers flying everywhere, including a few back issues of the Beachcomber. He held one stack of papers, waving them wildly. “Ah yes, here’s the limitations...” He scanned the papers.“One wish, check. No cheating, No love, No death, check, check, check. Ah yes!” He smiled benevolently. “Here’s the fine print. You only get one wish, non refundable, not exchangeable. No cash value. AND...” he paused, “You can’t tell anyone what the wish is! Oh, and did I mention … you can’t use your wish to benefit yourself.” He paused, slightly panting. “So what will it be Bub?” Perhaps it was the beer. Or maybe the smoke in the air. But I was amazingly calm. And it felt like I should make some introductions. “Well, Genie of the Lamp,” I said, nodding slightly, “it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m J.Beebs. Do you have a name?” The genie looked pleased. “Beebs! Love it!” he exclaimed, twirling somersaults. “It’s been so long since I have had small talk!” He smiled broadly. “Just call me Genie, it’s sort of what I am. I know they say to never let your work define you, but clearly…” he spread his arms apart, face enthusiastic, “I’m a Genie. So call me Genie!” “Genie,” I asked, “in Aladdin, the genie was captured, and Aladdin used his wish to free the Genie. Are you captured?” Genie recoiled at the thought. “Captured? Seriously?” He shook his head negatively. “You don’t know where Genies come from?” he asked, amazement on his face. “Sorry genie, don’t have that info,” I responded, a little amazed myself. “Well Beebs, let me assure you Genies are not captured.” He smiled gently. “Genie is a job … and if you’re selected, you can volunteer for the job. Great knowledge! Good perks! Days off! WILD VACATIONS! Have you ever been to Tybee Beach?” Genie was babbling now, and I lost some of it. Genie must have noticed, and he stopped babbling about Tybee Beach and Spring Break. “Alright, I’m on a schedule,” Genie said. “One wish. Let’s have it.” I pondered. It was a tough one. Something that couldn’t benefit me. Would solving world hunger benefit me? Curing disease? I felt a little rushed, so many possibilities. “Times up!” boomed the Genie! “What’s your wish?” I leaned close to him and whispered it in his ear. He swirled back, a large smile on his face. “GRANTED!” he boomed! With a giant thunder, he slowly swirled back in the lamp. With the smoke and genie all gone, the lamp sat there for a second and then blinked into nothingness. Of course, you want to know the wish. But I can’t tell you. That would be violating the limitations and cause the wish to be canceled. But I will tell you this. Where ever you’re at. Take a minute. Put down your Beachcomber and just reflect on Life. Things aren’t so bad. Sure, the media’s whipping everything into overdrive, but that’s just noise. Think of the important stuff. Friends. Family. Think of your loved ones. Think about how that makes you feel. And then you’ll know my wish. Happy Halloween Beachcombers! The Genie By J. Beebs
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