New Year’s Resolutions and their Solutions
TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JAN 2018 11
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January, a fresh new year, full of broken promises we make to fool
ourselves into thinking somehow, some way, this year will be better. But it’s
all a lie. Resolutions are a lie. However, my Editor-in-Chief said I can’t take a
month off, so here it is - New Year’s Resolutions and their solutions!
The first and most popular resolution is to “work out” and “get in
shape.” Well, you know what? That sounds awful. I mean yes, I could go to
the Y and get a membership, and yes, I could go work out and check out all
the hotties, but Tybee is small, and most men who work out are vain, so I just
follow their Snapchat stories. I still get to see the same hunks and my eyes
can linger from the comfort of my hammock. With a hand full of potato chips.
Drinking, or quitting drinking is also cool and popular at the New
Year. Let’s tell everyone that I’m getting hammered tonight, but its ok,
because in the morning I’m done forever! Truth is it would be more effective
to ask people to just not judge me when I go all out celebrating the death
of 2017. With the end of drinking, I hear people mention they “need to drink
more water.” This year, I pledge to drink a gallon of water a week! No, not
a gallon of water a day for a week, just one gallon of water in a seven day
period. I would attempt more, but I don’t want to shock my system, and let’s
be realistic, come January 4th I’m going to have forgotten I was doing this.
(Fun Fact #1: Make small resolutions, so when you don’t stick with them you
don’t seem like a giant failure, just a tiny failure.)
Giving Back is always popular. “I need to volunteer more, I need to
help my fellow man.” Why? People generally suck. And let’s be honest,
you probably don’t really care. You just want to sound compassionate to all
your friends and family. And let’s get real. They already know how heartless
you are. If you really feel the need to volunteer, do something that actually
matters, like cleaning up the beach, or over tipping your server next time
you eat out.
Education is another popular promise we make. “I’m going to read
more, I’m going to go back to school, and I’m going to learn a new fact every
day.” Lame. I told myself I will learn a new word every day, and try to use
it. The first word I tried to learn was Ambiguity, but I’m not completely sure
what it means. The second word I tried to learn was Obfuscation, but it just
confuses me. Discouraged, I gave up my attempt to better myself through
further education.
Start a hobby. For me I’ve been actively killing plants for as long as I can
remember. At some point the garden center at ACE is going to ban me. And
rightfully so. But the fact that I am a walking environmental disaster doesn’t
slow me down in my pursuit of having a green thumb. I will continue to kill
until I am forcibly stopped. “WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?” I scream at all my
pots of dead plants, as I order Chia seeds off Amazon, “The Chia will love me,
I just know it!” (Fun Fact #2: They don’t.)
Romance. This is the year, this is my year, I’m finally going to pop the
question, down on one knee, “Why God Why? Why won’t anyone love me?” I
runny nose sob through my tears of loneliness. Is there anyone out there for
me? Who knows, I live on an island with a population of three dozen people.
(Fun Fact #3: It’s closer to three baker’s dozen.) Maybe I’ll meet someone
this year? Maybe we won’t have any more hurricanes? It’s too soon to tell.
(Fun Fact #4: My most recent tarot card reading said more hurricanes and
more loneliness in 2018.)
This has been fun. I hope you took something away from this article. Even
if you didn’t, I’ll still sleep at night. So, Happy New Year. Love you all. Try to
be better humans, I’m sure you all could use some improvement.