Stop the presses! Stop the presses! It snowed on Tybee!
Screw the advice I had most definitely 100% already written (and was ready
to submit at a moment’s notice) just as the first flake hit Tybee (Fun Fact #1:
That is all a lie, I never finish these things on time). This month I’m writing
while I’m on vacation in a frozen hell. I grew up in Michigan, and seeing
as snow, ice and frigid cold are pretty normal here, that afforded me the
expertise required to watch and critique how well you all handled snow on
Tybee.
I want to say you all did really great, and I’m proud of you. It’s just, well …
you were less than prepared. So I’m going to walk you through what to do
the next time it snows, ices, or freezes:
Everyone shared such cute photos playing outside, and if I
had a fear of 10-inch-tall snowmen, well Tybee would be the last place I’d
ever want to be. Y’all could have fear-factored my ass with those tiny little
ice people.
I notice you don’t have gloves, and frost bite is a serious
threat. Next time it snows, use socks. They’re like mittens, and if you cut
the toes off your hand sock you can still text. Which, lets face it, is more
important than children. Another thing, wool caps and beanies are NOT
fashion statements. They’re to keep your head and face warm. They also
help protect your identity if you plan an armed robbery. Scarves, on the other
hand, are purely a status symbol. I don’t think anyone still makes scarves
except Burberry. And if I see you sporting a Burberry scarf I will instantly
befriend you because who wants to be cold and surrounded by poor people.
Gross. You can survive without a winter coat - just wear plenty of those red
Green Bay Packers sweatshirts you’re all so proud of.
Up here we use a building material called fiberglass
insulation. We put it in our walls, it helps to keep the cold out, and the heat
in (vice versa in summer months). It also helps to insulate our pipes so they
don’t freeze. If you’re afraid your pipes will freeze, I recommend taking them
out of the wall, and microwaving them until they’re red hot! That should
keep the water from becoming sluggish (Fun Fact #2: Like my sex life). If you
don’t have a furnace, you can heat your home two ways. Crank the oven up
and leave the door open (also put cookies in oven). Or, turn your window air
conditioner around. The exhaust blows hot air when the AC is on. It also does
not hurt to tape the door gaps and put plastic over the windows. (Fun Fact
#3: Use aluminum foil instead if you believe the government is broadcasting
radio signals on your fillings – the foil should block said signals).
Snow isn’t harmful, unless you have a lot, and a flat roof.
The tricky thing is ice. It’s a bitch. There are three common remedies for ice.
Salt is great, and most of us have it in our homes, the downside is its not pet
safe, and it’s damaging to wood surfaces. The second option is sand and if
you live on Tybee I guarantee you have some in your home, just sweep and
brush that dust pile outside. The downside to sand is it isn’t smart for cities
with inadequate sewer systems. The third option, and this is the best, is kitty
litter. Some people would recommend using fresh kitty litter, but that cost
money, and unless you own a Burberry scarf I doubt you can afford to buy
fresh kitty litter whenever you want. It is more cost effective to use the litter
already in your litter box. Just dump the shitter outside. “Won’t that just litter
the walk with cat turds?” you’re wondering. Yes, yes it will. And that’s exactly
what we want to happen. When you step out into freezing temperatures,
you will instantly become numb to all feeling, your eyes will water, and your
breath will create a fog in front of you. At which point your other senses will
kick in to over-drive. Follow the scent of fresh kitty dung to help you blindly
10 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | FEB 2018
and numbly stay on the sidewalk. (Fun Fact #4: Cat droppings make great
manure, and great manure helps to make great salads).
You need to let your car run, usually two to three hours is
preferred if it’s a domestic car, but you can often get by with an hour and
a half if it’s an import. To scrape snow off the car use a metal rake. Or call
Sean McNally and see if he’ll let you borrow his nifty snow scraper. As for
ice on the car, a frosted windshield if you will, use a CD case. No one buys
CD’s, we don’t even know how to play them anymore. A spatula sounds like
a great idea, but that’s some West Coast ignorance right there. If you’re in a
hurry you can always douse your windshield in gasoline as gas is incapable
of freezing (and love).
It seemed to be a contest amongst you all, to see how
stanky could you be. You need to shower, you need to change clothes. Six
days in the same sweatpants is not ok. I understand its cold, but please
bathe.
Alright, I’m done now. Love you all. Bye.
Update From
Tybee’s Mayor
By Mayor Jason Buelterman
There are two projects set to begin soon that will impact Tybee
residents.
First, the Georgia Department of Transportation (GDOT) will be repaving
the causeway between the Bull and Lazaretto Creek bridges.
This project is set to begin in the next few weeks. We requested and
GDOT agreed to make it a condition of the bidding process that all work
be conducted overnight so as to avoid impacts to Tybee’s residents and
stakeholders. Some have asked whether this project is needed in light
of the relatively good condition of the existing road surface. GDOT has a
re-paving schedule that they make every effort to stick to so as to avoid
safety concerns, especially on heavily travelled, higher speed corridors.
The GDOT also agreed to use this project to raise the roadway such that
it will not flood during extreme high tides. In some areas, the road is
set to be raised up to 8 inches. This project is a GDOT project and as
such, the City cannot control much that happens in association with it,
short of provide our input. Whether it is completed this winter/spring or
not is out of our control. But we have been told several times by GDOT
officials that it will start very soon. As we get more details, we will let
everyone know.
It should be noted that this re-paving project is separate from the
bridge replacement project and causeway improvements that we have
been waiting for all these years. The planning, permitting, right-ofway
acquisition and design of this project is moving forward. I have
requested a detailed timeline from GDOT and will pass that along to
our citizens on our website and social media once it is received. In the
meantime, we put a very informative document about the project on
our website. It is titled “GDOT Response to Public Input on Highway 80
Project.” We are doing all we can to push this project forward and will
continue to do so aggressively.
A second project that may be of interest is a proposed beach
renourishment project. The US Army Corps is managing and designing
the project. The bid opening was originally scheduled for January 9