TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | FEB 2018 15
I’ve had this idea swimming around in my head for a few months about
writing an article (or two!) that would rate really annoying things. I’d
call it The Hater’s Guide, and as a reader, you would get two immediate
benefits from it. First, you could all read it and feel less guilty for hating
random things, secure in the knowledge that you are not the only
person on the planet who hates random things like brussel sprouts,
hurricanes, hair that grows in the wrong place(s), and bad referees. And
second, you’d know that out of a list of random hated things, which
one is the worst item on the list. Perhaps this information could come
in useful if you ever found yourself on Jeopardy and the category was
Most Hated Items.
I considered writing The Hater’s Guide to Kit Kat Flavors, Crappy Drivers
and Senior Citizens. But I don’t have all the Kit Kat Flavors, and I pride
myself on doing complete quality research before I write. And then,
sadly, my wife correctly pointed out that 1.) I am very close to a Senior
Citizen myself, and 2.) I am a crappy driver. I can’t hate myself, so I
went in a different direction this month.
This month, I proudly present to you the Hater’s Guide to the Most
Irritating Noises on the Planet. So without further delay, here we go:
Coming in at #5 and half is The Unknown Car Noise. You’re cruising
down the road with your stereo blasting a classic rock song at near
sonic boom levels, when you think you hear the tiniest squeak from the
back door. Or the center console. Alarmed, you turn the stereo all the
way off (which is a complete fail as an American) and listen to your car.
There’s some damn noise, and I don’t know what it is. Is it loose change
in the drink holder? No, that’s not it. It is a waterbottle banging in the
passenger door – I can’t see it and I’ll have to pull over! Dammit! Or
did the kids leave a basketball in the trunk. WHAT IS THAT NOISE?!! The
only solution is to turn the stereo back up – even louder, and drive until
it’s time to get gas. Highly irritating.
#5. The Known Car Noise. Clear winners in this category: squeaky
brakes, grinding gears and window wipers on dry windows. Why does it
always rain just enough to get the glass wet, but not wet enough for the
blades to go smoothly across the glass? It’s even worse when you’re a
passenger in the car, and the driver is completely oblivious to the noise.
The wipers go back and forth on a timer so YOU ACTUALLY KNOW WHEN
THE DREADED NOISE IS COMING AND THERE’S NO WAY TO ESCAPE IT.
Pure torture.
#4. Unknown Body Noises. Any unknown noise coming from your
body is generally a deal breaker, particularly if it is accompanied by a
smell. If you’re by yourself and the offending noise occurs, you sort of
grimace and bear through it. If that same noise occurs in a crowd, you
find yourself highly embarrassed and running out the door. Also, any
unwanted dog noises count in this category. At least twice a year I can
count on my dog throwing up in the middle of the night. Great.
#3. Known Body Noises aka Snoring. I am qualified to comment
on this. During boot camp, I slept in an open barracks with 100 other
airmen. We had one guy snore so damn loud, he woke up the drill
sergeant in the next room. He walked into the barracks, flipped on the
lights at 4am and told us to get our asses out of bed because if he
couldn’t sleep neither could we. Let’s go for a run! Good times! Also on
the list of known body noises are the knuckle-and-neck-cracker types.
My kids crack every damn digit on their fingers, and then roll their
necks around and sound like little mini fireworks going off at the dinner
table.
#2. Fingernails on the chalkboard. This is a complete deal breaker.
If my son brought home a smart girl who didn’t like dogs and cursed
every other word, I’d still try to see the positive side of it. But if he told
me she liked the sound of fingernails on the chalkboard, I’d immediately
throw a garage sale and talk to all my neighbors about arranging a
marriage for my confused son. Fingernails should never be placed on
the chalkboard.
And the #1 most hated noise…. is not a noise. It’s the damn Maccha
Milk Kit Kat. There’s over 100 flavors of Kit Kats out there, but this one
stands alone. This thing taste so bad that you will hallucinate sounds
in your head as your taste buds shrivel in agony. You’ll lose five pounds
spitting saliva trying to get the taste out of your mouth. I finally removed
most of the taste by chewing on a raw habanero pepper, followed
by three quick shots of whiskey. My mouth is now an epic burned
wasteland, but I feel it’s a fair trade for getting that taste out of my
mouth.
So there you have it dear readers - this month’s Hater’s Guide. You’re a
little smarter after reading it (honestly!) and fully qualified for Jeopardy.
Yes, Alex, the answer to most hated noises is “What is the Maccha Milk
Kit Kat.”
Be sure to send me my cut of the winnings.
By J. Beebs