Do you have any advice for picking up (meeting) people on the beach this summer? Ah summer romance, for those of you beautiful like Olivia Newton John, or Mr. John Travolta (pre-sex change), summer lovin’ can have you a blast, it can also happen so fast. You’ll meet a guy or girl crazy for you. And statistically speaking that person will be from Ohio, since no other states vacation to Tybee. Like we’re not good enough for them. Asshats. (Fun Fact #1: Ohio is a palindrome). (Fun Fact #2: I don’t think I understand what a palindrome is). The first step in meeting someone on the beach is to be extremely attractive, or have low standards and low self-esteem. Both are proven to attract a mate. While I could work out and have a six pack, I choose to take the low standards route. It saves energy for cleaning my home when I think I have a shot with someone. Once you’ve locked eyes on your target, it’s important to make a great first impression. I always use the ice breaker “Do you know what this shirt’s made of? Boyfriend material.” It’s never worked, but I figure one day it really will be opposite day, someone will laugh and give me their number. Now that I’ve used my one and only line, I move on to online dating. It’s off to my Tinder app where I can judge people from the protection of my own screen. For those of you unfamiliar with this, Tinder is a dating app where you create a profile and upload your most flattering, downward angled selfie. You then quickly judge all other profiles by swiping left, as not interested, or right, as interested. The goal of Tinder is to swipe left (not interested) as quickly as you can on all profiles, thus rejecting those losers before they get a chance to reject you. Ultimately, it’s a lot of fun. Once you’ve run out of people to reject on your phone and your finger is sore, it’s back to walking the beach, and hitting up Tybrisa. While walking to the pier in the sand, it’s important to know who is in your league, who is out of your league, and who you should avoid at all costs. Example: If you walk the beach sucking in your gut, you’re only allowed to match with others sucking in their guts. If you come across a sexy person who looks like they work out seven days a week, and the last time you were in a gym was to receive your high school diploma, then said sexy athletic person will not be interested in you. AVOID anyone in an oversized white t-shirt rolling around in the surf like a beached whale. These people have clearly given up on trying and honey, you don’t need to take on their baggage (though it’s lighter since they’re wearing their clothes in the ocean). Assuming you were able to attract a suitor, the most sure-fire way to show someone you’re interested is to spend money on them. Most people think a great way to get to know someone is at the bar over a drink, but if you’re like me, my competitive streak comes out and now we’re in a battle-to-the-death-drinking-contest. Let’s face it, pissing your pants is a turn off, perverts excluded. Other first date “no-no’s” include dancing – since I’ve never looked creepier than when I’m dancing, and for the love of god AVOID karaoke. There are two types of noises a potential suitor should NEVER hear within the first few months of dating. Bathroom noises and the noises I make when I think I can sing Karaoke. Your best bet will be to take your date to your favorite restaurant on Tybee, mine happens to be Bubba Gumbos, where you can enjoy watching the sun set over the dock. And only one road in and out of the parking lot makes it very difficult for your date to “use the restroom” and escape. If you’re hoping to score, I would order oysters. Oysters are an aphrodisiac and bountiful in the ocean. (Fun Fact #3: oysters are also called Sea Pistachios). When eating oysters in any case it is a crime to use any sauce with the exception of fresh horseradish. Keeping in mind, if you don’t instantly regret the amount of horseradish you’ve used, you haven’t used enough. Now with love pumping in your heart, oysters pumping in your veins, and spicy horseradish breath, you should lean in for the big kiss. If you see fireworks, you’re probably an overly dramatic basic bitch, since no one actually sees fireworks. Be sure to notice the oystery horseradish breath of your lover. If you’re lucky, you can change your Facebook status to ‘Its Complicated,’ and make a vague post fishing for people to ask questions about your love life. Worse case scenario you post up at the bar at Bubba Gumbos, hang out with Caitlin and Will, try to convince any of the men in the kitchen to take you out. Before ultimately realizing you’re going to have to settle for that one Bragg brother. One final note. Aluminum foil does NOT work as a prophylactic. Our Family to Yours TybeeTeeth.com Patients Are Our Top Priority! At Tybee Teeth, we treat every patient who comes in our door as family and a friend. We want everyone to have the best experience with the most ideal dental care possible. We would love to take care of all your dental needs. Feel free to call and ask questions or stop by to meet us. 1018 US Hwy 80 �� Tybee Island �� 912-786-9433 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JULY 2017 11
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