Great dating advice, any more on how to get into shape? Ah, August. As summer quickly comes to a close it’s vital to remember that you forgot to get in shape, you lump. But, just because this year and every year prior was a tremendous waste doesn’t mean that you can’t turn things around for next summer. The only true way to get in to shape is to go on a diet. To diet you must remember TWO very important things. Number One, never follow the diet. Number Two, tell everyone you are on a diet. After 18 months of dieting, it is very rewarding to shove in someone’s face how you lost upwards of THREE pounds. There are many diets out there - Atkins, Low Carb, Celiac Disease, High Protein, Raw, Vegan, Liquid Only, of course the Seafood, and the Seefood – insert lame 90s joke. My personal favorite is the C Food Diet, where I eat anything starting with the letter C: Cookies, Cake, Candy, Chips, Crackers, Coke, Carbs, Calories, Coq Au Vin (Fun Fact #1: Not sure what Au Vin means, just seeing if my editor is paying attention). To start a diet, it is vital to not understand the diet at all. Sometimes I go vegan, I don’t know what that means, but I assume you only eat vegetables and grains, like salsa, or chicken fried rice. The most important thing about any diet is to NEVER pair it with exercise, this is very important. If you do that you could lose too much weight and would have to buy a new wardrobe, which would cut into your booze fund. And believe me, you’re perfectly boring enough sober. Drunk You is the only version of you people actually like. Once you’ve selected your diet, you should clean out all the junk food in your refrigerator and cabinets. Don’t throw it out, remember being a child and wanting to eat nothing but junk? Well, here’s your opportunity. Once you’ve eaten nothing but salt, sugar, and calories, call out of work, you’re going to be sick tomorrow anyway. Ok, now scrub down into your finest looking homeless wardrobe and head up to the IGA (if you called out of work for a stomach ache you’re going to need to look ill). I usually walk around filling my cart with cans of soup – that I drop off at Rising Tyde as I pass the Y (see, I’m not completely heartless). When dieting, the most important thing is to eat fruits and vegetables. The IGA, though small, has an awesome selection: beets, asparagus, artichokes, mangos, coconuts (Fun Fact #2: Always buy food that requires a hammer, ie coconuts, cans of tuna, and any hard popsicles). This time around I’m going on the Raw Diet, which is great because we literally have a restaurant on the island called Raw, and that saves me from having to cook, or learn what a Raw Diet is, but for my sake let’s assume it means eat at Raw. And I’m in no way endorsing them because they advertise with us. It’s a totally different reason that I cannot type. But trust me, it exists (Fun Fact #3: It was a coincidence). Raw is delicious, seriously, and if you’re hell bent on “dieting” but don’t want to use any energy, you can call Breezy to go and pick your Raw up. Tape cash to the door and tell them to leave your food on the porch. That’s what I do, but I prefer to eat carry-out in the buff, and as much as I would like Paul to see what I have to offer, I don’t want to do that to my sushi (Fun Fact #4: That is not a euphemism). The last diet I would ever recommend would be the low carb diet. This diet should be used on death row inmates. Nothing will make you hate yourself more than giving up carbohydrates. Do you know what a carb is? No? Allow me to tell you, it is everything happy and delicious about food. Ever have a French fry sandwich on white bread? No? Well it’s nothing but carbs. Want a biscuit? Again no, it’s nothing but carbs. Mashed Potatoes, the most holy of all potato spin-offs? Nothing but carbs. Let me leave you with this, you need carbs. Never cut the carbs. I don’t know if this has helped in anyway. Back to School! Patients Are Our Top Priority! It is back to school time and at Tybee Teeth we help each child grow and maintain a healthy smile that will last a lifetime! TybeeTeeth.com 1018 US Hwy 80 �� Tybee Island �� 912-786-9433 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | AUG 2017 11
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