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20391 Tybee

By Rem The Gravitational Pull of the 40’s TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | AUG 2017 23 By Welsley Turner Franco We all know Tybee is just different in all ways. One of the quirks in this Land of the Lost is over-serving. Technically, bartenders are not supposed to do it and there is a line to be drawn. However, bartenders on Tybee have a little bit more leeway in getting our customers soused because: a.) We know them well; b.) We know where they live, as we have been there getting drunk ourselves; and c.) Breezy is the answer to every problem I have ever had. Ever. So having over-served my fair share of people, I decided to hold an unofficial blackout contest. The following are the top three winners (and yes, no names are going to be mentioned to protect the flat out guilty): 1. It was a day or so after Hurricane Floyd departed and died and my husband and I returned to the island, happy we were home and that our home was still where we left it. The only bar open at the time was Scandals (now the Rock House) and so it was game on. Jägermeister was involved. I never drink that shit and I never will again. I don’t remember how many shots I had, but it was a lot. My husband and I got into a fight on the way home, and as I angrily opened the front door, I fell into it, bashing my head badly and leaving a trail of blood behind me. When I came to I was laying in my bed, cleaned up and dressed in my jammies. What I found out later was that my son had come home, saw the bloody door and thought his dad/my husband had finally killed me!! He found me on the floor a bloody mess with my husband passed out in the bed. He really thought I was dead, but as he picked me up he realized I was still alive. My grown son then proceeded to undress my drunk, passed out ass, clean me up, redress me and put me in the bed. The mortification far surpasses the fact that I raised a really good boy. 2. The scene: St. Patrick’s Day on River Street. I was driving down from Charlotte with two friends for the festivities and it was game on immediately. Both my friends started drinking beer on the way, and when we pulled into Savannah I did my best to catch up. We ended up everywhere drinking shots, beer, liquor and everything else we could. I lost my two friends, but continued drinking heavily. I do not remember when I blacked out but when I came to I was standing inside a concession stand handing a hotdog to a complete stranger. The Asian lady that owned the stand was beating me on the back with her one hand, while the other hand was holding the phone calling 911. I ran. Never could figure out why I was inspired to do that. Maybe I thought I could do a better job. 3. I was flying from Savannah to New York. My flight left at 10:30am and I started pre-gaming, because it was a two connection flight that I have done before and I knew it sucked. I had a piece of pizza for breakfast and I started slamming those airline bottles of gin and tonic. Naturally, I also had several in my bag for the flight. I was drunk when I got on the plane in Savannah and I was sitting next to this absolutely gorgeous guy. I offered him a bottle and we both slammed it. My body had enough at this point. I proceeded to promptly barf pizza and gin down the left side of myself (window seat thankfully) and then passed out. When I woke up I was in New York at this bar talking to some guy. I had dried pizza and gin barf down the left hand side of my body and I had made my Charlotte/New York connection with no recollection of it whatsoever. I am absolutely amazed that no one stopped me. I often wonder what happened to that gorgeous guy. Maybe I missed out on Mr. Right … now. I do not drink gin anymore. So the winner receives a bottle of Jagermeister and well gin. Bottoms up!! Alcohol Gone BAD So, I’m three years into this whole 40’s deal and had heard things begin to turn on you after 40. Mainly, the belly slash rump roast region. I have always had a thin build and I stay quite active. Naturally, I thought this was pure rubbish, wives’ tales and such. It’ll never happen to me! Turns out it’s true!! Not only is it true but it starts like the day you turn 40. However, you don’t know it’s happening until you actually get a visual on it. A naked, in your face, omg, where in the hellhounds did that come from visual! When that happens you not only know you’re really 40, but you now know you have to do something about it. Sigh. Groan. Ouch. And that’s just my ego whining, not the gravitational pull. Okay, let’s fix this before I need new clothes I say, because a new wardrobe can be expensive. And I really don’t like shopping for clothes, shoes yes, clothes no. I kick up my activity level thinking a little more work outside in the yard and some hiking might do the trick but after a lot of that there was still a lot of me. Like anything and everything else in life, it costs money. Big money. Gym membership, cha ching. Gym clothes, cha ching. All the sprucing up of my 40ness, cha ching. I have never been to the gym in my life. I always figured why go sweat in a building with people staring at me and pay when I can use the great outdoors. Well, the gym does help. It gives you a routine and the machines are cool. But I didn’t like it there. So, dumbbell by dumbbell, a home gym was born. Well, it’s a work in progress because it is really, really expensive to have everything you need to get the workout you want. However, I can workout naked if I want (NOOOOO) or in my jammies (YESSSSS). The home gym is coming along, but the real punch in the gut is the need for an elliptical machine. Have you seen the price of these suckers? They’re outrageous! By the time I save enough to get the one I want, I will be too weak from starvation and won’t need it anymore. Sigh.


20391 Tybee
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