Things we HATE about Hurricanes 1. Picking the right people to evacuate with. Nothing worse than being stuck with people that a.) You don’t like, b.) Complain endlessly, and c.) Have no sense of humor. In a nutshell, your life will suck and you may end up wishing you had stayed to face the hurricane. Pick your evacuees with care; take only those you can handle being around for more than a day. It may end up feeling worse than a bad marriage. 2. HADD (Hurricane Attention Deficit Disorder). After realizing that you really do have to evacuate, HADD kicks in and you walk around your house endlessly, getting absolutely nothing accomplished. What should I take, when do I leave, where am I going? Hell, you can’t even decide if you SHOULD evacuate! Should I stay or should I go… 3. Stocking your Evacuation Kit. Five days prior to evacuation, you start stocking up on the essentials – Wine, Vodka and Cigarettes (throw in a case of water just because that’s what you are supposed to do). Day 1: Liquor store stop for 2 bottles of wine, bottle of vodka and two packs of smokes. Day 2: Return to Dizzy Dean’s (because when you woke up you discovered that you drank all the wine, half of your bottle of vodka, and smoked all the cigarettes) and buy 2 more bottles of wine, another bottle of vodka, and four packs of cigarettes. Day 3: Three bottles of wine, another bottle of vodka, and a carton of cigarettes (just in case). Day 4: IGA for a case of water and a couple bags of chips. Day 5: Wake up, have coffee, followed by a glass of wine to calm the nerves, and half a pack of cigarettes. All ready to go! And where did we decide to go? 4. Photographing everything you plan to leave behind. Open drawers, crawl under your bed, and open your medicine cabinet, cupboards, and closets. Do this quickly to ensure all photos are taken out of focus. It helps if you try not to cry saying goodbye to your home. You’ll probably never see it again. Do one final walkthrough. Do not notice all the important documents you NEED to take with you. Lock your door. 5. Boarding up. Don’t measure any plywood, just start screwing boards anywhere they will fit. You use a board off your deck. It’ll go back. Finish boarding the windows and front door. Then you walk around the property looking at all the crap you left in the yard. Tie that stuff together. Circle back, spray paint something sassy on your boarded up home. Be original. None of this “GO AWAY” crap. Start filling sand bags, triple up garbage bags or grocery bags. Make sure they will all spring a leak and leave sand everywhere. 4 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | OCT 2017 By Margie, Mac, Jimmy and Alaina 6. Leaving the Island. Actually get in the car and drive down Butler. The adrenaline will start to kick in. Everything you know and love will DIE in the hurricane. Try being overly dramatic - you find that runny nose sobbing helps to calm you down. Find a gas station. If they only have Premium screw it, you are not paying an extra 50¢ a gallon. You drive a Honda. Leave the Island. Drive really fast like you’re in a race to get to Wilmington. 7. Listening to the Weather Channel. After arriving at your evacuation destination, you immediately turn on the TV to The Weather Channel, which will remain on during your entire Hurrication. You pray to the Weather gods, while watching the hurricane approach your beloved island. You pray harder. Go left! Go left! The Weather Channel becomes your lifeline, and you hope that you do not see Jim Cantore reporting from Tybee Island, or all is lost. 8. Taking advantage of the kindness of strangers. You explain your refugee status to any person or place you venture into. Make them feel bad for you. If you can cry on command, do it. You will go to hell, but hey, you might get a free meal out of it. 9. Returning Home. Of course you lived on Facebook while on your Hurrication. You know your home is flooded. You saw the pics on FB. You return with a mixture of hopefulness and despair. You obey the speed limit, as much as you want to floor it down Butler at 90mph. Sure enough, it’s as bad as you had imagined. But the worst is yet to come. When you finally leave your home to go out for a bite to eat (because you have no power), you hear everyone else’s story. Story after story after story. But you know that your story is worse than anyone else’s. The stories you hate the most are the ones who say the water came up to their door but never came in. Hate em. 10. Getting your life back together. This really isn’t that hard if you have already lived through Hurricane Matthew. Not fun, but you know the drill. Clean, clean again, and then clean again. Call the insurance company once again (if you have insurance), get ready to go through the tedious process of filing two claims in one year. Throw out all the new stuff that you just bought from the last hurricane. Head to the store for more new stuff. Make sure to wear your Tybee Island t-shirt so people will stop you in the middle of the aisle and ask if you were in the hurricane. Say yes, get sympathy, and who knows, maybe you’ll get something free. I doubt it, but it’s worth a try.
20591TB
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