118 SARASOTA SCENE | MARCH 2018
insider
origin. (It’s enough to make you bang
your head on your 190°-steering
wheel.)
9) A $13 12-oz. Bud Light on South
Beach tastes almost the same as $5
6-pack of Bud Light in my Sarasota
fridge.
10) It rains. A lot. As in build-anark
time.
That being said, when I head back
up I-75 and say “Hasta la vista,
baby!” to the pushy club promoters,
the endless construction sites, and
the underdressed tourists asking
everyone they see for a cocaine
hookup, I can’t help but think this:
Why is there a law in Miami making
it illegal for men to be seen in public
wearing a strapless gown?
Don’t worry. The sweat-sheen of
nostalgia will do wonders and come
December, I’ll be itching to spend
conference at that same hotel again
next January. I think I’ll try a different
strategy then and go in disguise.
I’ve got a Dan Marino jersey, white
canvas pants, and deck shoes
just sitting in my closet, ready to
transform me into a Miamian.
(I’m already working on the lingo,
using “supposably” and “irregardless”
like all the time now.)
In the meantime, stay tuned for the
next issue of my humor column,
where we explore the virtues of
the Cuban sandwich and uncover
the correct answer to the age-old
question that culinary sages love to
ponder: to press or not to press?
Got something funny to share? Want
to explain to Ryan how unfunny he is?
Have a good cartoon about penguins
wearing hats? Send it all to ryan@
scenesarasota with the subject line
“Delete This Please!”
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