Wise Choices for You & Your Family
HOO’s PARENTING
When Kiidss Crry
by Renee Jain of GoZen.com
10
It’s no secret that hearing our kids cry makes us
uncomfortable. Just think about how anxious
you feel when your little one tears up without an
obvious reason. We know that a newborn’s main
way to communicate is to cry, yet we still look at it as
something to be “fixed.” Once that infant becomes a
walking, talking toddler, we sometimes expect them
to process emotion the way we do, rather than the
way they have always done: through crying.
In fact, studies have found that our brains are hardwired
to have an instant reaction to a crying child,
making us more attentive and ready to help —
and fast! A crying infant triggers our fight or flight
response, increasing our heart rate and pushing us
into action… even if that child is not our own.
It seems we have to react to a crying child, but how?
Your Crying Toddler is Not
Necessarily Sad
For many toddlers, crying is not a reflection of
sadness — it’s a way to process any emotion. They
may cry out of anger, frustration, fear, excitement,
confusion, anxiety or even happiness. The trouble
is, they may also lack the verbal ability and selfawareness
to explain how they’re feeling. This means
asking them, “What’s wrong?” will rarely yield a
productive response.
Saying “Don’ t Cry!”
Makes Life Harder For You
You may think that making the crying stop will
also stop your child (and your heart!) from hurting,
but when you tell your toddler, “Stop crying!” or
“Don’t cry!” they’ll immediately think that you don’t
understand how they’re feeling. Their message is
likely to become louder and more persistent.
By asking or telling them to “stop,” you’re also
telling your child that their emotions are invalid and
unimportant.
Regardless of
how trivial the
reason may seem
to you, your failure to acknowledge how they are
feeling in that moment deprives both of you of the
opportunity to learn how to process that emotion in
a more positive way.
Our goal as parents, no matter how tricky, is to
support our little one’s development of emotional
self-regulation — something we can only do when
we treat them with empathy and understanding.
Don’ t Distract
Many of us view distraction as the ultimate tool
in our emotional arsenal. Figuring that if we can
distract our crying toddler from whatever it is they
are crying about, we can stop the crying altogether.
We’ve all dangled a favorite toy in front of tearstreaked
faces or sung a song through clenched
teeth in high-pitched desperation! Sadly, distraction
misses an opportunity to connect with your child and
teach them how to deal with their emotions.
Yes, if he’s fighting over a toy with another child,
distracting your boy with a second toy is completely
appropriate. But if your child is crying because you
helped them put their shoes on instead of letting
them do it by themselves, distraction is likely to only
make them respond louder and more fervently in
order to be heard.
It’s true that sometimes distraction can work, but
it’s often just a band-aid. It doesn’t help your child to
learn how to cope with a similar situation or emotion
in a more positive way in the future.
So, what should you say when faced with a crying
toddler? See our list of 10 alternatives to ‘stop crying’
at familyandkidsga.com/you-can-say or tune in
to next month’s issue.
/GoZen.com
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