10 Wise Choices for You & Your Family
8
HOO’s parenting by Renee Jain,
Last month we
discussed how hearing
kids cry makes us
uncomfor t able,
some reasons why
kids cry, and why
saying “stop crying!”
is probably not the best. But what should you say?
Well, the next time you’re faced with a crying
toddler, try to take a moment to make sure you are
calm. If you’re angry, stressed or frustrated, the
things that you say will just add to your toddler’s
distress. Take a breath or two, acknowledge how
you’re feeling, focus on what’s going on inside your
body (your heart may be beating a little faster; your
jaw may be clenched; you may be feeling tense) and,
when you’re ready, use a low voice, and try these
10 alternatives:
1. “We’re on the same team. I will help you.” Even
if your child says they do not want your help, they do
want to feel as though you will back them up when
they need you.
2.“I can see this is hard for you.” This simple phrase
acknowledges that you hear and see them.
3. “I understand you’re sad/disappointed/scared/
anxious/happy and that’s OK.” Reinforce the notion
that feeling an emotion is what makes us human.
4. “That was really sad/frustrating/disappointing.”
Acknowledging the event that triggered your child’s
crying helps them also see what triggered their
emotion and figure out what to do next.
5.“Let’s take a break.” Removing you both
from the situation helps your toddler understand
that sometimes you need to walk away in
order to compose yourself. Your child may truly
be tired or over-stimulated and simply need to
have time in a quiet, soothing place before rejoining
the activity.
ALTERNATIVES TO GOZEN.COM
6.“I love you. You are safe.” This invites
connection with your child rather than
separation. They may need a hug,
a snuggle or to hold your hand
in order to feel that you are
indeed there to help them.
7.“Would you like help/a break/to try again?”
Many times when your child cries out of frustration,
they need one of three things: help performing the
task, a break from the emotional situation, or to
try to do the task again, possibly with assistance.
Asking them, not telling them, what they would like
empowers your child, helping them to feel important
and significant.
8. “I can hear you are crying, but I don’t know
what you need. Can you help me understand?” Even
if your child cannot verbalize why they are crying at
first, this can give them a chance to practice.
9. “I remember when you…” While it may seem
like a distraction technique, helping them recall
a time when they felt happy and peaceful helps
prepare their brain for rational thought. Trying to
reason with a toddler who is in a highly emotional
state is kind of like negotiating with a tiny dictator.
They are not prepared to listen to reason when they
are in the midst of feeling helpless or angry or sad or
exhausted.
10. “Let’s come up with a solution together.”
Ultimately, we want to help our children to develop
problem-solving skills. Coming up with a solution
that will help process their emotions teaches them
how to look at the situation objectively and come up
with possible solutions.
11. Maintain silence and hold loving space for
your crying child. Be a pillar of empathy and strength
for them.
/GOZEN.COM