What do you recommend
we do for Valentine’s Day?
Do you smell that? Stinks, doesn’t it? What you are smelling is, in fact,
love, and it’s in the air. It’s February and I’m sure all you happy couples
(and miserable couples) are gearing up for another bland Valentine’s Day,
but it doesn’t have to be bland. No, no, no, no - it can be exciting, and I can
teach you how, so grab your loved one, or your mistress, and settle in, as
this Cupid is going to plant his arrow in you.
• One of the most effective ways to show love is buy handing someone
flowers, preferably without a vase so they can stand there like an idiot,
holding a plastic bag of dead plants. It’s so romantic.
• If you’re more into food than flowers, chocolates are a great way of
showing love as well. If someone loved me, they could buy me Reese’s
Peanut Butter Cups. (Fun Fact #1: If you’re single, maybe it’s because of your
haircut, you should probably go get a haircut.)
• Once you’ve signaled that you love someone with chocolates or flowers,
you should probably underwhelm them with a home cooked meal, or take
them out for a gourmet meal. I would not recommend getting a reservation,
as I can’t see it being too busy on Valentine’s Day. Dessert is the most
romantic of the foods, and also, if you plan on eating a lot, order a Diet
Coke to drink, that throws people off the scent of your unhealthy eating
habits. If someone loved me, they could take me out to dinner. (Fun Fact
#2: If you’re single you should probably stay in and drink, no one wants to see
your sad face ruining everyone’s good times.)
• Step Three. Putting on the moves. The dance moves that is. Once you’re
good and wined up, grab your partner and hit the town, probably somebody
will have a band, and you can boogie like no one’s snap chatting it! You can
never overdo it when dancing. Take that risk. Toss your partner in the air.
Spin them like they’re not full of food and alcohol. If someone loved me,
they would probably be impressed at how unenthusiastically I dance. (Fun
Fact #3: If you’re single maybe go dance in the shower, or traffic.)
• Step Four. Bring The Romance Home. Candles are extremely romantic.
If you don’t have any candles, install dimmer switches on all of your
lights. If you don’t have money for candles you probably don’t have money
for dimmer switches. Try cuddling while closing one eye for a similar
experience. (Fun Fact #4: You can probably download a candle app in the
App Store, or Android Market.)
• The Grand Finale. Time to get your weird little bodies into bed. So get
naked, except for your socks, kiss your partner, remember no means no,
and Tallahassee is a good strong safe word. Turn on the television and
prepare to be disappointed. If someone loved me, now would be a good
time to tell me.
I hope you all find love this Valentine’s Day, and remember, you can’t get a
divorce unless you get married. Take that leap!
4 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | FEB 2019
Am I still a
Yankee??
I recently returned from spending the holidays in upstate New York and I
realized that I am entering my 20th year of living in Georgia, ten years in
downtown Savannah and ten on Tybee. Wow! Where does the time go?
I was also recalling the grief I had to endure when I first arrived back in
the south from Yankeeland, New York, “Go home Yankee,” “Carpetbagger,”
and so on and on. This was mostly heard in a bar after a few drinks and
was always taken as good clean fun, but if you hear something enough
then you have to wonder if there is some validity. We’ve all heard the joke,
“What’s the difference between a Yankee and a Damn Yankee? A Damn
Yankee stayed.” Is it because I call it a “cart” and not a “buggy?” Were
there some harsh opinions that southerners have against northerners that
I didn’t know about? It was always said that people up north are sitting
around putting down people in the south. Nothing I ever experienced, in
fact I always thought y’all had the right idea by not living in that frozen
gray tundra I had to endure for the first twenty-something years of my life.
We traveled to the south at least once a year just to get some sunshine in
our lives.
As I approach my twentieth year, I have to wonder - am I still a Yankee? The
rules vary depending who you talk to, I thought you had to be here twenty
years. So, now what? I don’t feel any different. Is there a coming-out party?
A baptism of sorts? Do we have to sacrifice a small animal? Any reason to
throw a party really, and I’m in. Should I even care what people think? No, I
guess, I mean most of my friends that grew up here don’t even realize that
I didn’t grow up here. They’ve forgotten. I’ll take it as a compliment. But
even in doing so, it’s like admitting that there’s something I’ve done wrong.
Another rule of thumb I’ve heard is that you must live here for over half
your life. Well, I’m in my mid-forties, so that means a couple more years
and sure enough it will be over half my life. I don’t know if I can hold out
that long!!! What is this yearning for acceptance? Why do I feel I need to
earn this badge of honor? Probably because I love living in the south and
especially at the beach. People are generally in a good mood, you catch
someone’s eye and you say “hello.” Not that every Yankee is a cold bitter
jerk, but you almost have to get a bit depressed by mid-February when you
haven’t seen the sun in months.
I guess if I have to wait a couple more years to be fully converted, then
so be it, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll probably still throw a party. I’ve met
the best, most generous and caring people in my life right here. We are
so lucky to live in our little bubble of southern hospitality no matter where
we are from. Tybee comes together like nobody’s business and has one of
the strongest senses of community that I’ve ever experienced and the love
is everywhere. There are good people everywhere and if I’m a Yankee to
some, then so what. New York isn’t the worst state to be from, at least I’m
not from Ohio, LOL. I’m just joking y’all!!
By Jimmy Prosser
By a Yankee, I think