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3
Self
Regulation
Self-regulation is an important life skill for all ages
to master. It actually is not a single skill but a group
of skills. The ability to plan ahead, make thoughtful
decisions, persistently work towards a future goal,
and moderate emotions and behavior are all included
in this group of skills. That is not to say spontaneity
does not have a place, because it does, it is just kept
within the boundaries you set to keep from being
diverted from reaching your goals.
Help your child understand the
idea of self-regulation
The ultimate purpose of self-regulation is to govern
our behavior in a way that leads to successfully completing
our daily and long-term goals. Help your child
relate to abstract concepts associated with self-regulation,
like taking turns and delayed gratification, by
using real world scenarios.
For example, help your preschooler practice taking
turns at a playdate. After the playdate, ask him how
he felt when his friend was happy because he got
a turn and how he felt when it was finally his turn.
Yes, he had to wait, but the goal was for everyone
to enjoy the playdate, so explain how the delayed
gratification was worth it.
Help your child plan how to
handle challenges
To deal with situations requiring him to wait patiently,
let him choose between a couple of alternate
activities to keep him busy, such as reading a book,
working on a coloring project, or playing a game with
you. It is a good idea to find at least a couple that you
don’t need to prepare ahead for, in case you have to
wait unexpectedly.
When your child finds it a challenge to regulate his
emotions, work with him to find a few strategies
he can use to calm down. It can be spending a few
minutes alone in his room to take a deep breath,
taking a few minutes to write down his feelings or
talking it over with you. Having strategies in place
you know work for him empowers him to choose one
and use it to self-regulate when he feels his emotions
start to spiral out of control.
As your child grows, have his strategies grow with
him. For example, you may find the strategy of
setting a timer to help your child share his toys with a
sibling can evolve into him discussing with his sibling
how long his sibling’s turn will be and coming to an
agreement, without your intervention.
Practice is the key to control
Staying focused on goals requires good decisionmaking
and control over impulses. Practice these
self-regulation skills often, and as your child’s skills
grow, you will find yourself not having to constantly
step in and remind him how to get back on track.
• Have fun practicing self-regulation and control by
playing board games that involve taking turns and
following rules.
• Provide your child with opportunities to practice
making thoughtful decisions. Start with simple
decisions, like choosing what to wear or planning
what games to play at a playdate.
• Give your child practice knowing when it is OK to
release control. Unstructured time for free play
should be a part of his daily schedule, and he should
not be so over-controlled that he feels anxious about
breaking the ‘no sweets before dinner’ rule by eating
cake at an afternoon birthday party.
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teaching
skills