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ASK DR. SHARON
doctorotis@nextgenmagazine.org
Step To It!
All parenting can be stressful, and
creating a successful blended family is
even more challenging. Being the step-
careful consideration at the beginning of
a marriage. The biological parent needs
to be supportive of their new husband or
wife and be compassionate about how
arduous the step-parent role can be.
Step children issues are not uncommon
and take time to address and understand.
Unfortunately, child-centered parenting vs
parent-centered parenting is most likely to
occur in blended families. Child centered
parenting can ruin a child. Many divorced
and remarried parents want to make up
to their child for being divorced, thus
spoiling the child. No amount of cajoling,
bribery, or gifts will make up for the thing
the child needs most.
The child needs to know that they are
loved and that they have permission to
love both parents. The second important
factor is to try to keep the rules the same
changing households. The next important
issue is that the child understands a stepparent
is not a substitute for mom or dad.
The children also need to know that the
parents are all on the same page in the
household. It is important in the marriage
that the couple be together on the rules
and not disagree in front of the children. It
is important that the parents show respect
to each other. Children need a united front.
The step-parent does not have the
attachment or bond that the biological
parent has, and the child could resent
any discipline coming from the stepparent.
That said, there are still rules and
consequences. The biological parent,
however, needs to be the one to dole out
any punishment.
I work with many blended families,
and there are dos and don’ts that are
universal. The most common problem
arises when the step parent tries to dole
out the consequences. If possible, try to
leave that to the parent.
Accountability belongs to the parent,
but expectations of boundaries and
rules, are important for both parents.
There will be times when consequences
cannot be avoided, especially if it is a
dangerous situation. Minimize the times
you have to do the consequence. The
biological parent shows disrespect to
the new spouse if rules are made - but
consequences are not enforced.
Have family meetings at least once a
week. If possible, have family meetings
once a month with both biological
parents. Meeting together, the child
will then not be able to play one parent
against another. The rules have always
been the rules, so it is important that the
biological parent remind the child of that,
and that there is no room for disrespect
When the parent is absent, the step parent
IS the authority. It is important though,
to remind the step parent not to yell or
threaten. Calmly remind the child of the
rule and point out the consequence. It will
be up to mom or dad to reinforce this. Do
not argue. Simply state the rule.
Respect has to be earned. Be patient and
try not to react. Take plenty of walks, hot
showers, and deep breathing exercises
to help bring down your stress. Your stepparent
role is a very critical factor in a
child’s development, and one you may not
come along. The grandchildren will bond
and will NOT notice that you are not the
biological parent.
I have recently re-married and there are some issues with the way my
step-children behave towards me. Any advice? – M.R, Bradenton.