Life
in conversation
with joanne
steen
author of “we regret to inform you”
what complicating factors
do military losses have
that are not usually found
in civilian losses?
When a service member dies, surviving family
members find themselves in unchartered waters.
On top of the loss of their loved one, Gold Star
families must contend with a sudden and
traumatic death far from home, an unnerving
casualty notification process, limited details and
tangible proof, classified information, separation
from immediate family by distance and time,
personal loss of a loved one and national loss of a
service member, soul-searing military traditions
to honor the fallen, national holidays to honor
military personnel and a lengthy governmental
bureaucracy.
what preconceived ideas
do we have about military
loss?
Perhaps because so few Americans have
experience with the military, there are two,
widespread beliefs about military loss that
are incorrect. The first belief is that service
members only die in war; the second is that
military families are prepared for the loss of their
servicemembers.
With unnoticed regularity, approximately three
service members die each day in the United
States or abroad. Since 9/11, more than 23,000
service members have died in an active duty
status. Approximately 30% died in the wars in
Iraq and Afghanistan, while the remaining 70%
of personnel lost their lives on other military
operations; on peacekeeping missions; in
protection of our national interests; from terrorist
attacks at home or abroad; in maintaining
operational readiness; because of accidents; by
suicide or homicide; or as a result of illness or
disease.
Today’s military families are aware that military
service is a dangerous profession and they
know full well there’s a possibility their service
members could be injured or killed. They also
know there’s a greater probability their loved
ones will come home safely. After all, their service
members are young and strong, well-trained and
well-equipped, and believe their service is a part
of something greater than themselves.
how can gold star families
cope with never finding
out all the details of their
service member’s death?
The need to understand the events that lead up
to a death, as well as the death itself, is pretty
common, particularly when the death is sudden
and unexpected. It’s not unusual for family
members to become obsessed with finding out
all they can, especially early on in their grief. This
occurs with both civilian and military deaths.
The tragic reality is that loved ones may never
learn exactly what happened. The challenge
family members face is to accept the death—
given the details and information they have—and
work to make their peace with it. Sometimes,
for their greater good, family members need to
26 WomanToWomanMagazine.com
/WomanToWomanMagazine.com
