focus on other aspects of their lives that may
be overshadowed by their search for details,
particularly as they do the work that grief
demands.
what common mistakes
do people make when
trying to support or help
gold star parents?
The first mistake is the belief that Gold Star
Parents will receive all the support they need
from the military. While the military does provide
long-term support to families, a good number of
families do not live near a military base. These
surviving families grapple with a loss few civilians
understand, often isolating them within their
own families and communities.
The second mistake is well-intentioned people
fear they will say the wrong things to a Gold Star
family and so they keep their distance.
The third mistake is those close to the family will
expect Gold Star families to “get over it” after one
year and return to being their old selves.
what factors add years to
the shelf life of gold star
parents’ grieving?
Military grief has a long shelf life and several key
factors contribute to it. For parents, losing a son
or daughter, regardless of age, is a life-changing
loss and one they will grieve for the reset of
their earthly days. For all Gold Star families,
images and symbols of our country become
personal reminders of their loss. For example,
the American flag at full mast is the same flag
that draped their child’s casket. Federal holidays,
such as Memorial Day, is a national holiday to
remember all who served and died because of
that service. Additionally, military news is infused
into the national awareness (i.e. Pulling troops
out of Syria) and the images of military personal,
equipment, etc. often touch a weak spot. And last
but not least, it is only a matter of time before
another military death similar to their service
members occurs.
how does idealizing our
deceased loved one shortchange
our grief work?
It’s a natural tendency for anyone who has lost
someone close to put their loved one on the fast
track to sainthood. While we all want to cherish
the many positive sides of the deceased, it is
important to have realistic memories of our loved
ones, warts and all.
When a service member gives his or her life in
the service of our country, we memorialize the
service member’s commitment to country and his
choice to actively protect and defend it. It’s not
uncommon for the identity of “son,” “husband,”
“wife,” or “sibling” to be overshadowed by the
identity of a fallen servicemember.
how does embracing the
pain and reality of a love
lost help heal our bodies,
minds, and spirits?
Queen Elizabeth II, in a message issued after the
9/11 attacks, stated that “Grief is the price you pay
for love.” And losing a great love often generates
a profound grief. Grief is a package deal and it
presents itself in our thoughts, actions, emotions,
aches and pains, and in our understanding in the
rightness of the world. But grief does not have to
be the end of the story. By doing the work that
grief demands, we take an active role in healing
our bodies, minds and spirit.
Meet the Author
Joanne Steen is an author, instructor and speaker on grief and loss, with a
specialty in military and line-of-duty losses. She is a board-certified counselor,
military widow, and the founder of Grief Solutions, a training company
on grief, loss and resilience.
Joanne is the author of two books on grief for Gold Star families. In addition
to We Regret to Inform You, she also coauthored with M Regina Asaro,
Military Widow: A Survival Guide (Naval Institute Press, 2006), which earned them the Distinguished
Authors of the Year Award from the United States Naval Institute.
A skilled instructor, Joanne has worked with more than forty diverse organizations. Her
clients have included the U.S. Department of Defense, the Canadian Armed Forces, and a
host of federal, corporate, and non-profit organizations.
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