When my mom was at her worst, I went to see a
therapist because I needed to make sure that I was
being a good son. I think a lot of kids who care for a
parent in a situation like this end up feeling the same
way. You want to know that you’re doing enough, yet
you also feel in the back of your mind like you could
always be doing more.
That kind of thinking is going to make you feel worse
and you’ll end up burning yourself out, and that won’t
help anyone. So you have to learn how to forgive
yourself and just do the best you can.
Today’s Caregiver: What advice do you have for
other caregivers?
Sean Hayes: I think the hardest part of going through
it is exactly that: you have to go through it. I know that
caregiving is a different experience for everyone, but I
also hope it helps to know that you’re not the only one
going through it. The sooner you can accept that it really
is happening — and at least in a case like Alzheimer’s or
dementia, that it’s not going to get better — then the
sooner you can start properly caring for that person,
and for yourself.
It also helped me to be honest about my feelings and
reactions throughout the whole process, because
the emotional aspect can be very complex. I needed
to learn how to accept the death of my mother, even
though her body was still alive. I felt sad knowing what
she was missing out on and seeing her lose herself over
time. But you don’t miss what you don’t know. That
may be a bittersweet way to think about it, but it also
helped me cope with it as it was happening.
“My 94-year-old mother believes the cat is almost real.
It gives her so much joy and brightens her day. It gives her purpose in her life,
and both the cat and my mother have come to life.” – Mary B.
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