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FEBRUARY 2018 | SARASOTA SCENE 119
insider
offending stump. They offered to
grind it to smithereens for $250. The
look of horror on my face must’ve
translated well because the one guy—I
sensed that he was in charge by his
authoritative Florida Marlins cap—said
he’d consider renting me the grinder
for a half-day for $125, which basically
meant that for half the price of them
doing the work, I could shred my own
leg by my tool-challenged self and
still keep the stump as a bonus. He
punctuated the offer with tobacco spit.
To which I said, “The stump is only
maybe yay big,” then I held my hands
apart, as if this might prove persuasive.
“I mean, c’mon—a beaver could
handle that lickety split.”
The head honcho grinder guy nodded,
saying, “Find yourself a beaver willing
to do the job, and you’re in business.”
Here’s the problem. There are no
beavers in Orlando. There are no
beavers in central Florida at all. I know
it’s true—I read it on the Internet.
Thus, this plan. I’m going to post this
ad on Craigslist next Thursday. If you
know of any good leads, please do let
me know: ryan@scenesarasota.com
WANTED:
Beaver
Must be good
with children and
small pets.
Relocation assistance
may be available upon request.
References required.
Non-smoking preferred.
Have something special you want to
share with Ryan about life, liberty
and the pursuit of laughter? Email
him at ryan@scenesarasota.com.
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