Bartender
Chronicles By Welsley Turner Franco
I know it’s been a minute since I’ve written Bartender Chronicles, but I was
waiting for an epiphany that would be different than the usual bitchery of
don’t shake your ice at me, point to your drink like I don’t know where it’s
at, and/or just be a bad customer. I had such an epiphany while sitting on
my porch watching my backyard. Two squirrels were doing a mating dance
and it came to me! When you are cheating on your significant other DO NOT
come to my bar!
It happens. You meet someone you want to pregame with before you get
down to betraying your vows at the local motel and you come into my bar.
You are a regular and you walk in with NOT your wife/husband and expect
me to be all down with the game. Ugh. NO MAN!!! I am out! I will serve you
with flat out disgust and distaste simmering under the surface of opening
my mouth and saying something awful to you. Don’t you dare allow your
suckiness to ruin my day and then try to justify your suckiness and pathway
to hell trying to get my approval. I hate you!
The squirrels brought it all back. This has been a few years ago, but I
remember it clearly because UGH! This married man (whom I loved and
equally loved his wife) came in with a lady. She was nice, pretty and
pleasant. I was hoping and praying that it was a business meeting. Nope. His
hand went up her dress and I don’t know what kind of business he had, but
I’m fairly sure it wasn’t Pimping and Pandering, LLC. A thousand questions
ran through my mind: Does she know? Should I tell her? Should I punch him
in the throat with a baseball bat? Where is the wife? WTF? How should I act?
I felt dirty and I wasn’t even doing anything wrong! Nothing could hide the
flat-out disgust on my face and the husband seemed to realize this as he
paid quickly and skedaddled on out the door.
The next week when he came in with his wife, it really took everything I had
in me to not say something. Now, granted, we bartenders see people who
shouldn’t be there (hiding from significant others, parole officers, employers,
etc.) and I get that and will protect my peeps. I also get phone calls asking if
‘so and so’ is there (and no, I haven’t seen them all day). You can understand
the dilemma. But when I love both of you and you shove it in my face to
choose, I am going to burn your house down (unless your ex gets it in the
settlement). Don’t drag me into your show. Now you know.
42 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | DEC 2018
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