90 SARASOTA SCENE | MAY 2019
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While I’m thankful the two ladies who ruined “Tap Dogs”
for me did so with their unaware noisiness versus the active
heckling the real Statler and Waldorf did, they still proved
My father—an amateur Statler—tells me that older people
should get a pass on many things thanks to age. Is there a
chart somewhere that explains the real perks of getting older?
• Age 55—senior discount on coffee at McDonald’s
• Age 60—senior discount on coffee at Burger King (free
with AARP card)
• Age 62—free coffee at Big Boy Restaurants
• Age 65—ability to wear a fanny pack anytime,
anywhere (they’re SO practical!)
• Age 75—being okay with backing out of
the driveway without looking
• Age 85—carte blanche to speak your
mind no matter where you are or
who you’re with (bonus points
for saying any of the following:
“whippersnappers,” “The
Google,” or “jukebox”)
What I really took from the whole
“Tap Dogs” debacle is this—even
beyond those two ladies who
plagued me during my show, Florida
has its fair share of Statlers and
Waldorfs who seem fully committed to
provide running, annoyed commentary
on the world around them.
Let me prove it to you anecdotally by simply
of my not-so-crazy life as a writer, teacher, parent
of two kiddos, and amateur papaya grower (yet
another column idea right there!). To protect the innocent—
and because I have no idea who these people were—I have
replaced all the names below with “Statler” and “Waldorf.”
Evidence 1—Long line at Publix deli on Fruitville
Statler: Do the subs have to be so big?
Waldorf: Who would want such a thing?
Statler: What a waste!
Waldorf: What are they thinking?
Evidence 2—Bench at Ken Thompson Park
Statler: What do you mean, we don’t have seasons here?
We have seasons here.
Waldorf: Right. Pollen season, hurricane season, parka season,
and OMG season.
Statler: I thought it was hurricane season, love bug season,
tourist season, and then summer!
Waldorf: I wish Florida were still like it was when I visited as a kid.
It had one big, long beautiful season the whole time.
Statler: I blame Trump.
Waldorf: I blame Obama.
Statler: El Niño.
Waldorf: Bruce Springsteen.
Evidence 3—Early morning coffee rush line at Starbuck’s on
Fruitville and Honore
Waldorf: Macchiato? I think I’ve got an ointment
at home that’ll clear that right up.
Statler: Frapp-a-what-o?
Waldorf: How do I just order a damn coffee?
Statler: What happened to medium?
On what planet is a “tall” the same as
a “medium”?
Waldorf: $2.45? For one coffee? Is it
served up in a golden cup by Helen of Troy
Evidence 4—Inside a Parkway 8
movie theater
Statler: I haven’t been to the pictures
in a long time.
Waldorf: Didn’t we see this exact
show here last week?
Statler: Yes. But that doesn’t count.
The popcorn was awful.
Waldorf: What’d you order this time?
Statler: The popcorn. I wanted to see
if it was as bad as last time.
So there you go, my Florida friends. We’re
the grumpiest state going. If you don’t believe
me, I’ve got a pair of tickets in the nosebleed seats
sell you. Cheap, cheap, cheap. But it’s BYOCWC (bring your
own crinkly wrapped candies).
Got your own Waldorf and Statler exchange that makes you want
to howl at the moon? Do you have a great Muppet story that has
nothing to do with anything but is worth sharing nonetheless?
Any dynamite overhead anecdote about what’s wrong with
Florida, coffee, movies, or fun?
If the answer to any of these is a resounding YES!!!!!!!, then send
me the 411 ASAP at RyanLovesMuppets@scenesarasota.com with
the subject line “Please Delete.” I’ll be waiting.
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