LOVE, NOT ACTUALLY
A Love Advice Column by a Boy and a Girl Who Should Not Be Giving Love Advice. Ever.
The Question this month is: When is the right time to move in together?
32 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | OCT 2020
Boy’s Advice:
Who is texting you? Why do you have to work late, you don’t want to hang out with me at our new apartment? I think my Sex in the City movie poster will look
great in our new living room, don’t you? I bought new pink flower print curtains for our front window, do you like them? I installed 3 new shelves in the shower for
my shampoo, conditioner, body wash, hair straightener, anti-frizz spritz, makeup removal gel, face wash, face moisturizer, floral smelling shave gel for my legs,
summer breeze shave gel for my privates, lavender soap, and coconut leaves in conditioner for those beach days, you don’t mind do you? I rearranged your entire
collection of 3600 vintage albums by color, don’t they look nice?
You see, these are the types of questions you’re going to have to answer as soon as you move in together. I have some questions for you. Do you want your whole
world turned upside down? Do you want to never find anything ever again because she’s found the perfect place for YOUR stuff? Do you want to have to split your
time watching football and chic flicks? (Ok, yeah sure, you set a bad precedent when you agreed to watch The Notebook with her just because you just knew that
was the night you were going to get past 3rd base).
Finally, I touched on the bathroom above, but seriously, do you want to go from having an entire bathroom to yourself, to having 1/32nd of a bathroom? I’m telling
you man, they’ll take it over. What was once yours is now ours and will be all hers if you don’t set the ground rules prior to moving in together.
It’ll be awesome, you tell yourself. That hot chic that you fell in love with at the bar that one night in December of last year will be there all the time. You can have
sex whenever you want. It’ll be great!?! Or will it?
Oh, then she’ll start talking about marriage and babies and crap. So, you’ll have to buy a puppy to satisfy her motherly urges. Guess who’s gonna have to clean
up the dog poop and piss all over the carpet? Guess who’s gonna have to walk that unruly bastard at 4am? Guess who’s going to have buy a new couch cause the
damn dog ate the last one? GUESS NOW DAMN IT! GUESS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Girl’s Advice:
Looks like Boy has had some bad experiences. He came right out of the gate screaming. That’s not exactly how all of that happens. Let me break it down:
Now granted, you are going to have make some concessions here. You are going to have to make space that you are used to having all to yourself, so you need
to ask yourself if the person you are porking is actually worth the square footage. Is it going to be worth your while? Yes, you are going to have to explain where you
were last night and why your undies are in your handbag and you are also going to have to figure out what to cook for dinner along with a myriad of other decisions
that come with cohabitating with a quasi-stranger. Is the sex good? Then do it!!!!
Now as far as the extras in the bathroom that my co-partner is freaking out over, let’s just get it down for factoids: Women have better bath products. Guys, part
with your bathroom space and give your chickadoo her product space. You too will also enjoy open pores and body scrub goo. Trust me.
In regard to the Sex in the City Poster, pink flower print curtains and Boy’s other random bitchery - that is absolute no. No one does posters anymore and Sex in
the City has been gone for years. It is going to be a scenic picture of Ireland’s coast and as far as the pink flower curtains? Boy, you been hanging out with Grandma
way too long. Girls do verticals now or black out drapes.
You will have to watch chick flicks, but you’re gonna love it because your girl is going to curl her body around you while you watch it and it’s going to be a happy
ending for everyone.
Marriage and babies are inevitable. It’s called Life. You are either in or you’re not and you either know it now or you don’t. Get a cat instead of a puppy. Super easy
to clean up and 95% of the time cats want nothing to do with you.
The ending is this: Do you like this person? Do you want to hear them fart and do body things? Are you willing to share your space? Are you wanting to schedule
your life around them? If you answer ‘yes’ to most of those questions, then move in and watch The Notebook!