Building a Great Relationship
with Your Child by Dr. Laura Markham
Used with permission from Aha! Parenting (ahaparenting.com)
As our infants grow into toddlers and do
less nuzzling and more ‘NO-ing,’ how
do we maintain a strong connection while
setting the necessary limits?
Can we keep the relationship close as our child
starts daycare or preschool, and we teach her
to problem-solve and navigate her own path?
As our kids move into the school years and
out into the world, how do we stay connected
so they WANT to follow our expectations?
And as our kids evolve into teenagers (when we
get fired as the ‘boss’), how can we make sure
we have the necessary trust and intimacy with
them so that we get rehired as consultants?
Want to be a great parent? Want to raise a
happy, healthy, well-behaved kid? Want to live
in a home where discipline becomes unnecessary?
The secret is to create a closer connection
with your child.
It isn’t enough that we tell our children we
love them. We need to put our love into action
every day for them to feel it.
"But what does that mean, putting our love
into action?"
Mostly, it means making that connection with
our child our highest priority. Love in action
means paying thoughtful attention to what
goes on between us, seeing things from our
child's point of view and always remembering
that this child (who sometimes may drive us
crazy) is still that precious baby we welcomed
into our arms with such hope.
"Doesn't that take a lot of energy?"
It takes a lot of effort to fully attend to another
human being, but when we are really present
with our child, we often find that it energizes
us and makes us feel more alive, as being fully
present with anyone does.
Being close to another human takes work.
But 90 percent of people on their deathbed
say that their biggest regret is that they
didn't get closer to the people in their lives.
And almost all parents whose children are
grown say they wish they had spent more
time with their kids.
"Being fully present? How can I do that when
I'm just trying to get dinner on the table and
keep from tripping over the toys?"
Being present just means paying attention.
Like a marriage or a friendship, your relationship
with your child needs positive attention
to thrive. Attention = Love. Like your garden,
your car, or your work, what you attend to
flourishes. And, of course, that kind of attentiveness
takes time. You can multi-task at it
while you're making dinner, but the secret of a
great relationship is some focused time every
day attending only to that child.
"This is all too vague for me. What am I
supposed to actually DO?"
1. Start right for a firm foundation.
The closeness of the parent-child connection
throughout life results from how much
parents connect with their babies, right
from the beginning. For instance, research
has shown that fathers who take a week or
more off work when their babies are born
have a closer relationship with their child
at every stage, including as teens and college
students. Is this cause and effect? The bonding
theorists say that if a man bonds with his
newborn, he will stay closer to her throughout
life. But you don't have to believe that
bonding with a newborn is crucial to note
that the kind of man who treasures his newborn
and nurtures his new family is likely to
continue doing so in ways that bring them
closer throughout her childhood.
2. Remember that all
relationships take work.
Good parent-child connections don’t spring
out of nowhere, any more than good marriages
do. Biology gives us a head start. If we weren’t
biologically programmed to love our infants,
the human race would have died out long ago.
As kids get older, we need to build on that natural
bond, or the challenges of modern life can
erode it. Luckily, children automatically love
their parents. As long as we don't blow that, we
can keep the connection strong.
3. Prioritize time with your child.
Assume that you'll need to put in a significant
amount of time creating a good relationship
with your child. Quality time is a
myth, because there’s no switch to turn on
closeness. Imagine that you work all the time,
and have set aside an evening with your husband,
whom you’ve barely seen in the past six
months. Does he immediately start baring his
soul? Not likely.
In relationships, without quantity, there’s no
quality. You can’t expect a good relationship
with your daughter if you spend all your time
at work and she spends all her time with her
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