think about? Then she’s more likely to tell
you about her interactions with boys when
she’s fourteen.
It’s hard to pay attention when you’re rushing
to pick up food for dinner and get home, but
if you aren’t really listening, two things happen:
you miss an opportunity to learn about
and teach your child; and she learns that you
don’t really listen, so there’s not much point
in talking.
9. Don't take it personally.
Your teenager slams the door to her bedroom.
Your ten-year-old huffs, "Mom, you never
understand!" Your four-year-old screams, "I
hate you, Daddy!" What's the most important
thing to remember? DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY! This isn't primarily about
you; it's about them: their tangled-up feelings;
their difficulty controlling themselves;
their immature ability to understand and
express their emotions. Taking it personally
wounds you, which means you do what we
all do when hurt: either close off, lash out, or
both. These reactions just worsens a tough
situation for all concerned.
Remembering not to take it personally
means you:
Take a deep breath.
Let the hurt go.
Remind yourself that your child does, in
fact, love you but can't get in touch with
it at the moment.
Consciously lower your voice.
Try hard to remember what it
feels like to be a kid who is upset
and over-reacting.
Think through how to respond calmly
and constructively.
You can still set limits, but you do it from as
calm a place as you can muster. Your child will
be deeply grateful, even if she can't acknowledge
it at the moment. I'm not for a minute
suggesting that you let your child treat you
disrespectfully. I'm suggesting you act out of
love, rather than anger, as you set limits. And
if you're too angry to get in touch with your
love at the moment, then wait.
10. Resist the impulse to be punitive.
How would you feel about someone who
hurt, threatened, or humiliated you, “for
your own good”? Kids do need our guidance,
but punishing your child always erodes your
relationship, which makes your child misbehave
more.
11. Don’t let little rifts build up.
If something’s wrong between you, find a way
to bring it up and work it through positively.
Choosing to withdraw (except temporarily,
strategically) when your child seems intent
on driving you away is ALWAYS a mistake.
Every difficulty is an opportunity to get closer
or create distance.
12. Re-connect after
every separation.
Parents naturally provide an anchor, or compass,
for kids to attach to and stay oriented
around. When they're apart from us they need
a substitute, so they orient themselves around
teachers, coaches, electronics, or peers. When
we rejoin each other physically, we need to
also rejoin emotionally.
13. Stay available.
Most kids don’t keep an agenda and bring
things up at a scheduled meeting. Nothing
makes them clam up faster than pressing
them to talk. Kids talk when something is up
for them, particularly if you've proven yourself
to be a good listener, but not overly attached
to their opening up to you.
Being on hand when they come home is a surefire
way to hear the highlights of the day with
younger kids, and even, often, with older ones.
With older kids, simply being in the same
room doing something can create the opportunity
for interaction. If you’re cooking dinner
and she’s doing homework, for instance, or the
two of you are in the car alone, there's often an
opening. Of course, if one of you is hunched
over the computer, the interaction is likely to
be more limited. Find ways to be in proximity
where you’re both potentially available, without
it seeming like a demand.
This may seem obvious, but stating your availability
is helpful, even with teens.
"I'll be in the kitchen making dinner if you
want me."
"I have to run to the grocery store, but don't
hesitate to call my cell phone if you need me."
The most important part of staying available
is a state of mind. Your child will sense your
emotional availability. Parents who have close
relationships with their teens often say that
as their child has gotten older, they've made
it a practice to drop everything else if their
teen signals a desire to talk. This can be difficult
if you're also handling a demanding job
and other responsibilities, of course. But kids
who feel that other things are more important
to their parents, often look elsewhere when
they're emotionally needy. And that's our loss,
as much as theirs.
Dr. Laura Markham
creates Aha! moments
for parents of kids
from babies through teens. She trained
as a clinical psychologist at Columbia
University, but she’s also a mom, so she
understands kids—and parents! And
she translates proven science into the
practical solutions you need for the
family life you want.
Dr. Laura Markham is the author of three
best-selling books: Peaceful Parent,
Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and
Start Connecting; Peaceful Parent, Happy
Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and
Raise Friends for Life; The Peaceful
Parent, Happy Kids WORKBOOK.
The founding editor of AhaParenting.
com, Dr. Laura Markham also serves as
a parenting expert for many websites.
She makes frequent TV and radio
appearances and has been interviewed
for thousands of articles by publications
as diverse as The Wall Street Journal,
The New York Times, Real Simple,
Newsday, Men’s Health, Redbook and
Parents Magazine. Over 140,000 parents
subscribe to her weekly email.
Dr. Laura Markham’s relationshipbased
parenting model, which she calls
Peaceful Parenting, has helped thousands
of families find compassionate, commonsense
solutions to everything from
separation anxiety and sleep problems
to sass talk and cell phones. She lives
in Brooklyn, New York and is the proud
parent of two terrific young adults who
were raised with Peaceful Parenting.
Read more helpful articles at:
https://www.ahaparenting.com
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