should feel a certain way,”
says Dr. Wendy Lichtenthal,
a psychologist at Memorial
Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center.
“But such ‘shoulds’ can lead to
feeling badly about feeling badly.
It’s hugely important to give
yourself permission to grieve
and allow yourself to feel whatever
you are feeling. People can
be quite hard on themselves and
critical of what they are feeling.
Be compassionate and kind to
yourself.”
Adapting to Loss
Experts say you should let yourself
grieve in your own way and
time. People have unique ways
of expressing emotions. For example,
some might express their
feelings by doing things rather
than talking about them. They
may feel better going on a walk
or swimming, or by doing something
creative like writing or
painting. For others, it may be
more helpful to talk with family
and friends about the person
who’s gone, or with a counselor.
“Though people don’t often
associate them with grief, laughing
and smiling are also healthy
responses to loss and can be
protective,” explains Dr. George
Bonanno, who studies how people
cope with loss and trauma at
Columbia University. He has
found that people who express
flexibility in their emotions often
cope well with loss and are
healthier over time.
“It’s not about whether you
should express or suppress emotion,
but that you can do this
when the situation calls for it,”
he says. For instance, a person
with emotional flexibility can
show positive feelings, like joy,
when sharing a happy memory
of the person they lost and then
switch to expressing sadness or
anger when recalling more negative
memories, like an argument
with that person.
Grief is a process of letting go
and learning to accept and live
with loss. The amount of time it
takes to do this varies with each
person. “Usually people experience
a strong acute grief reaction
when someone dies and at the
same time they begin the gradual
process of adapting to the
loss,” explains psychiatrist Dr.
M. Katherine Shear at Columbia
Contined On Page 46
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Healthy Living | Fall Issue | 2017 39