TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | DEC 2017 15
The off-season. It’s quiet, finally a moment to sit back and relax. The days
of beautiful weather and steady income are over. It’s getting chilly, we’re all
broke from blowing our season earnings at Sundae Cafe when we should
have been saving up to buy Ramen in December.
With the tourists away, there’s no one around to badger me with my
favorite Island life questions, such as, “What’s it like to live on an island in
off-season?” It’s great, except for the fact that once its off-season we have
to flip the island over to clean the bottom. But I’m getting really good at
holding my breath. Not to mention my other favorite, “Where do all the cats
go when no one is here to feed them?” I thought our feral cats were like
everyone else’s, come winter we wash them, take their batteries out, and
place them on their charging stations until the spring thaw.
How do we survive a lot of people ask. It’s rough, and not for the weak.
Only the strongest can live on an island off-season. You have to be creative
and adventurous. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but it
costs money. Try using sand in place of grits. The texture is the same, but
sand has more flavor and nutritional value. I survive off a lot of crock pot
meals. One way to save money is to use old Beachcomber Magazines in lieu
of your protein of choice. (Fun Fact #1: I prefer the well-aged issues. Like
May and June).
Let’s weather the weather! The worst part of off-season is the weather,
specifically Tybee winter. Most years, winter on Tybee can last up to three
or four hours! Imagine all of us trapped in our homes watching it drizzle,
wondering why we don’t live further south. I pull up Travelocity and dream
about warmer climates. (Fun Fact #2: It has more to do with my infatuation
with Gnomes).
Activities on Tybee are limited in the off-season. We rope off the beach
and keep everyone off and out of the water. Even if we didn’t close the
ocean, none of us would enjoy ourselves without hordes of tourists picking
up broken shells and playing in the sand. We try to keep our feelings hidden
but we’re incapable of love. I mean, loving and enjoying our little island
without tourists? If we can’t share it, then what’s the point of having it? Like
a bag of popcorn at the movies, it’s better when shared with random families
from Ohio.
Businesses on Tybee all suffer in the off-season. Unable to support our
own economy, we pull the “business is great we’re just going to close for
three months” card at which point I usually leave and head north for the
winter looking for work, or to live off my parents. (Fun Fact #3: Which is
pretty much what I do here) (Fun Fact #4: Love you Mom and Dad!) With my
quaint restaurant closed, we all gather around the Quarter and Poos, holding
on to the distant memories of all the good times we had in the summer.
As we spring into spring, it’s time to wipe the crust out of our eyes,
survey the damage that neglect has done to our little island, and line up the
welcome wagon to greet the gaggle of Canadians who are coming down to
the beach with water temperatures in the mid 50’s. Most don’t know, but
Canadians actually have two layers of skin, an outer layer that repels water,
and an inner layer that retains heat. Thus allowing them to be enjoy Tybee
when the rest of us are too miserable to.
Get ready for next month as I talk us through New Year’s Resolutions, and
their solutions! Wow. That rhymed. Damn I’m good.
The ridiculously prolonged baseball season ended with another Game
7 in a World Series – the 4th in the last seven years – with the Houston
Astros overcoming the LA Dodgers. When I was growing up, I was convinced
that there was an expletive named metropolis out in California due to the
chronic amount of winning the Dodgers dispensed to our systemically
underperforming Braves franchise.
Speaking of which, our Falcons have resumed their mediocre ways this
season after an Icarian effort a season ago. Apparently, the water in Lake
Lanier is a strange elixir of ‘sports performance saltpeter’ causing our
professional athletes to wilt in critical moments of important games. Legend
has it that long ago, back when you could actually drive in the Atlanta region,
if stopped for speeding you were issued a game ticket. If found guilty, you
actually had to attend.
Let’s hope that Coach Kirby Smart doesn’t schedule a field trip to the
Atlanta area for the Bulldogs. The University of Georgia is our last hope
of celebrating a championship in our area after we’ve endured our teams
coming up short in 10 of 11 trips to the post-season by the Braves, and the
most epic of choke jobs in organized sports history by the Falcons in the 4th
quarter of last year’s Super Bowl. As we’ve watched the season unfold to
this point, the momentum has been started for a title push, let’s hope that
the therapeutic industry will offer a bulk rate if we are subjected to another
colossal collapse. We’re gonna need it – we can’t take much more…
When surrounded by so much losing, who can forget the story of the child
in the custody hearing being asked by the judge which parent they wanted
to live with. “Your mother?” asks the judge, followed by a quick quip of “No,
she beats me,” answers the child. “Your father?” offers the judge, “No, he
beats me too” quips the youth. “Well, then, who would you like to live with?”
the judge asks, sheepishly. “Well, I was thinking I’d live with (insert team
name here – Braves/Falcons…) they don’t beat anybody.”
Oh well, it could always be worse. At least we aren’t Gator fans… Gator
Nation’s super-spoiled fan base found themselves with a coach who never
quite fit, and couldn’t bring himself to feel at home despite a salary of
millions at one of the easiest places to recruit in the nation. The SEC isn’t
kind to those experiencing homesickness. In a seemingly unprecedented
move, he was fired during the season – and they’d won the SEC East each
of his first two seasons!
Until next month, y’all play nice - & may all your teams win!
What’s It Like To Live On An
Island in Off-Season? By Woody Hemphill