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Teachers are consistent. They have a
room full of children. The rules are clear
and there are consequences if the rules
are not followed. Teachers reinforce the
behavior they want by verbal and tangible
rewards. They ignore bad behavior when
they can, and really notice when a child
is doing well.
They go over the rules often, and all the
children are aware of their progress. Most
rooms have progress charts or notebooks
that keep track of each student’s behavior.
Some of my best teachers took the
unruliest student and complimented that
child every time they did something right.
Within the first few weeks of school they
had complete control.
Children like to have power and they need
you to be the pack leader just like animals
need this to survive. Children need to
be accountable. Choose one behavior
to work on. Maybe it is fighting with their
sibling when they get home.
When you see them playing nicely for an
hour or so verbally let them know how
special that is and let them know they
will get ten minutes extra time at bedtime.
Conversely, they will lose ten minutes.
Children hate their bed time altered. Do
not single out one child over the other.
Reward them both or the good child will
get discouraged.
If your child gets rude or surly, be
clear what your expectations are for
them. If they choose to talk back, they
choose to get a consequence. Keep the
responsibility on them. It is not mom being
responsible for the behavior, it is the child.
This can be to sit at the dining room table
until the timer goes off.
Behavior management is not about
punishing; it is about a consequence. If
they choose to apologize or choose to
control their anger, be sure to praise. You
know from this column that I like to use
tickets, play money, or tokens, to be used
later on in the week for popsicles, game
time, McDonalds, or the dollar store.
Think puppies. Puppies do not respond
to spanking or time out. They respond to
praise and treats.
If you yell, you will not change the
behavior. Stay calm and state the rule
and state the consequences. If you have
trouble getting them to comply, then they
will lose game time or TV time. Remember
they choose this by not complying, not
you. Follow through or you will undermine
all your effort and authority.
I was out of town this week and was
walking into a Ross Department Store.
A family was coming out and the young
school age child was having a huge
temper tantrum. It sounded either really
fake, or really tired. The tantrum stopped
immediately and I wondered why. If the
child was tired the tantrum would have
kept on, so I knew the father gave in.
They walked back in the store and the
father said: “You cannot have the big
truck, but you can have the little one.”
The father just reinforced future tantrums.
Make a scene, you get your way. It took
all my self-control to not tell the father what
he was doing. Children need to learn to
delay gratification.
When a child gets angry at home, they
can journal their feelings, kick a ball
around, or some other exercise. Discuss
problem solving ahead of time and remind
your child they choose how to manage
their feelings.
Do not engage in their power play or
give attention to bad behavior. Notice
the good behavior.