LOVE, NOT ACTUALLY
A Love Advice Column by a Boy and a Girl Who Should Not Be Giving Love Advice. Ever
The Question this month is: I feel like my relationship with my significant other is getting stale. What are some things we can do to spice it up?
Girl’s Advice:
That is a time-honored question about everyone’s relationships from the beginning of time. Whether you are married or not, whether you are in a boy/boy
relationship, girl/girl, girl/boy or whatever gender you want to be, this question is going to come up whether you want it to or not. It’s called Life and if you are
living it and doing your thing with the same person, some stuff just gets old.
Here is the deal: If you are married, y’all need to do some role playing and maybe watch some porn (although whatever they do, if you try to do the same thing,
it will turn against you in a second. Do not suggest it and do not do it). A threesome can be fun, unless you’re married. Trust me. No. That will end up in divorce.
What you need to do is sit down with your other and a magnum of Taittinger’s Champagne and get into an embarrassing conversation about what makes your
clock tick. It’s going to be awkward and difficult, but if you don’t barf out what you want, you are never going to get it and that is just sad. That having been said,
they’ve seen you naked already and done things to your pink parts so … what’s the problem here?
Boy’s Advice:
I’m pretty sure that this is more of a confession than actual advice from my cohort. I mean for real though, I’m pretty sure she’s broken up a marriage or two
with her forays into ménage à trois.Spicing things up doesn’t necessarily mean becoming a ho, but being a prude isn’t the answer either.
I do agree with the homewrecker when she says to talk. Communication is the key to EVERY good relationship. Communicate about finances, feelings, and
of course, sex.
If you’re a girl, and you want to spice things up for the guy, it’s easy. Don’t make the bed the only place for coitus or any other activity for that matter. All you
have to do is be spontaneous. Do it whenever and wherever you haven’t done it before. Seriously, spicing things up for the guy is pretty easy ladies. All you have
to do is pay attention to his fun bits.
If you’re a guy, it’s a little more difficult. Women are complicated creatures. Here’s a list of things that all need to happen before you can even consider “spicing
things up”:
1. Give them your undivided attention when they need it. (When do they need it? Hell if I know.)
2. Give them space when they need it. (When do they need space? Hell if I know.)
3. Make them feel sexy by telling them how hot they look.
4. Make them feel appreciated. Notice when they pick up behind your sloppy ass and tell them how much you appreciate them when they cook for you or get
you a beer from the fridge.
5. Compliment them when they get a haircut or style their hair different.
6. Put the toilet seat up when you pee and back down when you’re done.
7. Cook for them!
8. Do some chores around the house without having to be asked, and don’t make them ask you 30 times to take out the trash.
9. Wash your stinky ass! They’re not going to want to play if you smell like a gym locker room.
10.And finally, become a mind reader. Cause who the hell really knows what women are thinking.
After making sure you follow the above 10 steps, put on a Jason Momoa movie and her gears will start lubricating themselves.
Seriously y’all, just talk to each other and be honest. You’ll only get what you want if you let your partner know what you desire.
TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | MARCH 2020 37