MARCH HOROSCOPE By Gage McKnight
Pisces (Feb.20-Mar. 20) - You’ve got the luck of the Irish on your side this month! Your high energy and good fortune will do wonders for the successful
business venture that you are about to embark on. But don’t worry your pretty little head because you will have to put zero effort in any of this, it’s all
going to work out on its own and you can continue to be the lazy little princess you have always been. Have fun!
Aries (Mar.21-Apr.20) - The month of March was created specifically for you Aries. The world just wouldn’t be the same without you in it! So thank you
for existing, and thank your dumbass parents for creating you! You should expect clear skies ahead for you this month, and your kind and pure soul
will help many of the lost helpless humans find their way. Keep on keeping on my friend! #saltlife.
Taurus (Apr.21-May 21) - Good news Taurus, you will never be in a happier place in your life than you will be this month! As you are walking down the
sidewalk with “What a Wonderful World” as your soundtrack, you will stumble upon another purpose/cause to fight for in your already, oh so perfect
life. Your stubborn personality will actually be of use for once. You will keep on fighting the fight and conquer through it all! Just repeat the words “I am
smart, I am special, and I am worth it” every morning when you wake up and nothing will break you down Taurus!
Gemini (May 22-June 22) - It’s a two for one special for you this month. Both of your personalities get a car! You are living your best life and not even
that pesky third personality can rain on your parade. Forget the losers that you have left behind in the past and focus on the vapid and translucent
people that are your future! Sure you will be unhappy, but you will have everything you want, and who says that money cannot, in fact, buy happiness.
Keep being your sparkling self and this month it will definitely pay off!
Cancer (June 23-July 23) - March is your month to shine Cancer. You have finally wiped away the tears and your man-child like personality, and picked
yourself up to one of many glorious and bright months ahead of you. I see very cute real estate in your future and today is the day you are going to
thrive the most! Keep that gorgeous smile on your face because nothing bad is ever going to happen to you ever again. Ever! Good for you Cancer!
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23) - We all know that you have the heart of a lion and the brain of a sloth, and this month you are going to put both of those amazing
qualities to use! You will be faced with a family trauma (not a super serious one because this month we have nice horoscopes) and it will be up to
you to step forward and take charge, like the attention seeking performer that you have always been. As per usual, you are going to face this tragedy
head-on and make everyone feel as safe and amazing as always. Keep playing the martyr Leo, it works for you!
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept.23) - Your mystical energy and flirtatious personality has everyone wanting more, everyone looks at you as if they are seeing a
mermaid in the moonlight. This month, none of that changes, as you are the true star of the show. Your high maintenance attitude couldn’t make anyone
turn away, in fact it’s going to help you in March! Your desire for everyone’s attention to be on you is coming soon enough! Whether it’s an offer from
a big time agent, or your own funeral, everyone will be talking about it for a very long time! Great job, Virgo!
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct.23) - The term “YOLO” was specifically made just for you. Your outgoing personality and very outgoing nature makes us all envious
this month. You are going to climb that mountain and finally come out on top, which is so deserving, like Leo and that Oscar. Not only that, but you have
inspired us all to be just like you! Who wouldn’t want to be a walking death wish? Go Libra!
TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | MARCH 2020 39
Scorpio (Oct.24-Nov.22) - Good job.
Sagittarius (Nov.23-Dec.21) - Gold star to you Sagittarius. This month you are receiving the biggest and most prestigious award of all, Best Human
Alive! Your reputation of being the life of the party will come to great use to you this month. Who cares if the stripper you hired overdosed and died, but
the amazing work and progress that you do for this earth is just outstanding! There will never be another you, don’t take that for granted. All we need
is more people like you in this world and don’t you forget it bud!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20) - This month there is nothing but rainbows and sunshine in the forecast for you! You might be a shitty person, but hey!
the stars are lookin’ out. You should expect a huge sum of money in the near future (not that you worked for it, but probably from a rich relative who
will suddenly die), so kiss your beautiful spouse and kids and rest assured that you’re in God’s hands now.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb.19) - The planets have aligned just for you this month Aquarius, because love is in the air and it’s screaming your name. You are
absolutely going to find your soulmate this month, doesn’t matter if you are already in a relationship or not, ditch the bitch and go with your newfound
love. Good luck on your journey Aquarius, you got this!