September Horoscope
By Gage McKnight
Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 24) - Seeing as how you have been living in your own reality most of your life, then none of this should effect you. What I can tell you is that your
reality this month will become the twilight zone, as in people will think you’re funny, attractive, and intelligent. I KNOW RIGHT!? Please do not get used to this, it only lasts
a month, due to the retrograde. They said 2020 was going to be a crazy year, but we had no clue that it was going to be this crazy! To find good qualities in you!? Enjoy it
while it lasts Virgo, some meteor showers only come once a lifetime.
Libra (Sept. 25 - Oct. 23) - Imagine you are walking into the ocean and the first couple of steps are fine, and you get like five or six steps in and you feel the washed
up algae from a storm gushing between your toes. That’s the exact feeling that everyone feels about you, Libra. You are literally the reason everyone is quarantine, we
just told you it was Covid. Why are you like this, you ask. We cannot answer this question for you, we can only assume it is due to your upbringing in the system, or your
unibrow Frieda. Maybe it is the fact that your mouth resembles one of a constipated dog, or possibly your lack of creativity and originality. The only thing consistent about
you is your goodwill wardrobe and yellow smile. Stay positive Libra, you will find love one day, whether it’s your cell mate named Bubba or your liberal yoga instructor
named Rain, you got this!
Scorpio (Oct. 24- Nov. 22) - Due to Covid and other obvious surface flaws, Scorpio has been shut down until further notice.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You will always be the storm that follows everyone around. Not only do you look like you’re constantly retaining water, but you’re always
as puffy as a cloud as well. We really do not have time for your negativity this month, so do what everyone else dopes around here and self-medicate with liquor already.
Your “Eeyore in a world full of Poohs” attitude is not only unwanted, but frankly tiresome. We do not care that your spouse left you, or your dog died, and maybe your kid
grew tired of you and finally ran away. WHO CARES? Grow up and find a real therapist Sagittarius. We can only fill so many bottles of your tears before we decide to revolt
and kill all of you. Do us all a favor, please seek help immediately and shut the hell up.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Dear Capricorn, 2020 hasn’t exactly been your year. Between looking like a drug addict and finding out that your birth parents were, infact,
drug addicts, must sting a little. But do not worry my love, great things are coming to you this month. Beginning with the random stranger offering you money to fix
your teeth, and ending with receiving the great news that your uncle has passed and left you and the cousin, who took your virginity, a crap load of money. So keep your
head up Capricorn and just know that even though your conception was a mistake, at least one person loved you.
Aquarius (Jan. - Feb. 20) - Your life so far has been pretty fortunate, considering the fact that you were the result of a naive high schooler and her gym teacher, but
unfortunately this month I’m seeing some clouds coming your way. It’s possible that the diet you’ve been setting your mind to will fail, or the person you have been eyeing
for months is actually secretly married. Even more likely is that maybe since you like to put your nose in everyone’s business, it will turn completely brown. It is hard to say
which of your extremely annoying personality traits will ruin your life this month. There is always hope for next month, but knowing you, it will be just as shitty as this one.
Pisces (Feb. 21 - March 20) - You have always had this odd suspicion that all of your friends either secretly hate you or find you really annoying. Well Pisces, imagine how
the blood relatives feel. The only reason anyone still “cares” about you is due to the fact that we are stuck with you. Remember those times when multiple friends were
saying “you got this! You should definitely go for it, even if it is half way across the country!” For a brief moment the world heard a sigh of relief, but you wouldn’t fracking
leave. So this month we really encourage you to get out there and try something new (that is very far away from us). Seriously, leave and only return when we get news
that you are coming back, so we have ample time to off ourselves.
Aries (March 21- April 20) - When they told you in your therapy session to grasp onto your self-confidence, I am quite certain that they didn’t mean to become the most
narcissistic person on earth. Your vanity has everyone around you ill and not due to the pandemic, but due to your over enthusiastic view of yourself. This month let’s try
to take it down a notch and stop forcing your incurable ugly personality on all of us. To be honest, you aren’t that pretty, and you’re not that bright, you’re just average, a
plain Jane. Please don’t forget it. Your friends are terrified to tell you the truth, which is that they find more beauty in four day old cigarette butts on the side of Butler Ave.
They are nervous you might go and break down again, then they absolutely would.
Taurus (April 21 - May 20) - Let us have a quick Q & A Taurus. First of all, why are you such a shit human? Did no one play enough Sesame Street reruns for you as a
child? Also, what is with your obsessive need to be right? Did you somehow soak in the entire Wikipedia through osmosis? Do you feel some sort accomplishment by
always putting in your two cents? Do you think that anyone actually wants to hear you speak? It’s that kind off-personality that makes no one want to look for you when
you “go missing in the forest.” All the stars are saying that this month you should basically find some chill or you might end up watching the news with Epstein.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - There is nothing more comical than seeing a suffering Gemini, when nothing goes their way and all else seems to fail. The reaction of a dual
personality brat who cannot get their way is not only comical, but is also the same feeling you get while binge watching your favorite shows on Netflix. Gemini, this month
we are going to practice our patience, self-control, and most importantly, oral hygiene. Quit bitching about the lack of time your friends want to hang out with you and
learn independence. Everyone is sick of picking up after your lazy ass with no appreciation in return. You’re the worst kind of user. Instead of using fun things like alcohol
and drugs, you use people. As long as you’re having fun and make it to your own bed, it doesn’t matter who you vomit on the process. You would make your own dying
grandmother pick up after your dog when it uses the bathroom in the house. All the cosmic forces can say is that you are true swine.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - When Earth was created, God knew what he was doing. He had plans of all things having meaning in life. Unfortunately, He was a little
confused when it came to Cancers, there were no definite plans for them, nor really anymore room for them. So He decided “Well, the human race has to be disgusted
by something, they have to be able to find hatred in someone so they do not harm themselves.” That Cancer, was you. Since there seems to be no sign of redemption
or purpose really, we have finally decided that 2020 is the year we just make you extinct. Nothing personal but we basically are giving you a 30 day notice to vacate the
premises. Just know that your purpose was well served, as we did find disgust/hatred towards you, so good job!
Leo (July 23- Aug.22) - What an odd breed you are Leo. I mean talk about hot and cold. I don’t know whether to give you a hug or put on a bullet proof vest. It is so difficult
for the more docile signs to look at you and say “wow, what a fine upstanding citizen” or “wow, look at that drug induced citizen that had so much potential.” I think we
can all agree that a shower and shock therapy will do wonders for you this month. Also, choking someone until they are unconscious is not a form of foreplay Leo, but if
you are into doing that, look me up in the white pages.
TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | SEPT 2020 21