94
ASK DR. SHARON
Squabbling Siblings
Sibling rivalry is normal and healthy
if the children are taught to be kind
to each other and not to take things
out on each other physically. Rivalry is
a natural competition between brothers
and sisters.
Parents need to have a low tolerance for
physical ghting and a high tolerance
for letting the children work out their
differences. Many parents feel it is normal
to be aggressive, especially when the
siblings are boys, but it’s not.
Did you know there are benets to sibling
rivalry? The squabbles can help with
cooperation, social relationships, and
problem solving, along with conflict
resolution. Children learn how to solve
their issues if they are left alone to reason
issues out together. Teach your children
how to negotiate a win/win result.
Do teach your children that life is not
fair. Fair does not mean equal. Different
ages have different privileges due to
different responsibility. This is a life skill
which will carry them well into adulthood.
Explain to your children that when you
buy something that applies to one child’s
interest, you do not have to hurry and buy
something for the other child.
If something is for sale in one size, it
does not mean you must compensate
by buying something else for the other.
Children learn quickly that sometimes
they get the prize, and sometimes they do
not. Trying to be fair will never happen - so
quit trying to frustrate yourself.
Children need to learn, life is not fair.
It is so important, especially when
children are close in age, not to ensure
that everything is evenly distributed. Of
course, that said, it is important not to
favor one child over another.
Do not play favorites, nd interests that
are unique for each child so that they feel
special in their strengths. Find a sport,
musical instrument, hobby, or craft, that
each child is condent doing. Focus on
their uniqueness.
Do not compare and say, “Why don’t you
get good grades like your brother - or
pick up your room like your sister.” One
parent can take one child out or play a
game, while the other parent plays ball
or reads to the other child. Parents can
take turns driving to each child’s soccer
practice or rehearsals. That would leave
the other parent home to pay attention to
the other sibling.
Have family meetings regularly to discuss
their feelings. Regular meetings become
a habit if started early in their life. Parents
could use the meeting to reinforce
cooperation and planning. It is good time
to get input on vacations.
Family vacations are critical to create
meaningful time together. Also, one-onone
time is important with each child.
Schedule 10 minutes of uninterrupted time
with each child. Draw upon things that are
positive with their brother or sister, and
how they can help each other.
Place a circle or a door hanger on the door
knob to indicate it is that child’s time to be
with the parent. Try to provide each child
with a space of their own. If they share a
room, try to dene the space by placing a
dresser, or curtain, between the children.
Sibling rivalry is a great way for children
to learn to work out issues on their own.
Parents intervene too much into their
ghting. Learn to say, “I am sure you can
work it out.” Timing them both out when
things go wrong helps to keep children
learning the skill of resolving issues. When
the children come screaming to you, realize
the innocent one can be the provoking one,
and not as naive as you think.
doctorotis@nextgenmagazine.org
= FRIENDS FOR LIFE!
link