Healthy Living | Spring Issue | 2018 21
may tell you that you’re too sensitive.
Putting you down diminishes
you and keeps them in control.
In a healthy relationship, however,
if you tell your partner that
something they said hurt your feelings,
they feel bad for hurting you.
They try not to do it again.
Abuse in an intimate relationship
is called domestic or intimate
partner violence. This type
of violence involves a pattern of
behaviors used by one person to
maintain power and control over
someone that they are married to,
living with, or dating now or in the
past. A pattern means it happens
over and over.
In an unhealthy or abusive relationship,
you may not be allowed
to spend time with family, friends,
and others in your social network.
“One of the signs that’s really important
in relationships where there
is intimate partner violence is that
the partner that is being abused is
slowly being isolated from family
and friends and social networks,”
Maholmes says. “Those social networks
are protective factors.”
Studies have shown that certain
factors seem to protect people from
forming unhealthy relationships
over their lifetime. The protection
starts early in life. NIH-supported
research has shown that the quality
of an infant’s emotional bond with
a parent can have long-lasting positive
or negative effects on the ability
to develop healthy relationships.
“The early bond has implications
that go well beyond the first
years of life,” says Dr. Grazyna
Kochanska, an NIH-funded family
relationships researcher at the
University of Iowa. The goal
of Kochanska’s research projects
is to understand the longterm
effects of that early bond
and to help children develop
along positive pathways and
avoid paths toward antisocial
behaviors.
A family that functions well
is central to a child’s development.
Parents can help children
learn how to listen, set appropriate
boundaries, and resolve conflicts.
Parents teach children by
example how to consider other
people’s feelings and act in ways
to benefit others.
Secure emotional bonds
help children and teens develop
trust and self-esteem. They can
then venture out of the family to
form other social connections,
like healthy friendships. In turn,
healthy friendships reduce the
risk of a child becoming emotionally
distressed or engaging
in antisocial behaviors.
On the other hand, having
an unhealthy relationship in the
family, including neglect and
abuse, puts a child at risk for future
unhealthy relationships.
“One caring adult can make
a huge difference in the life of
kids whose family structures
may not be ideal or whose early
life is characterized by abuse
and neglect,” says Dr. Jennie
Noll of the Center for Healthy
Children at Pennsylvania State
University. “That caring adult
could be an older sibling, or a
parent, or someone else in the
family, a teacher—the kind of
people who have a large influence
in communicating to the
child that they matter and that
they’re safe, and that they have a
place to go when they are needing
extra support.”
Healthy friendships and activities
outside of the home or classroom
can play protective roles
during childhood, too. In fact,
everyone in a community can
help support the development of
healthy connections. Adults can
serve as good role models for children,
whether the children are
their own or those they choose to
mentor.
At any age, your relationships
matter. Having healthy relationships
with others starts with liking
yourself. Learn what makes you
happy. Treat yourself well. Know
that you deserve to be treated well
by others.
Having an unhealthy or abusive
relationship can really hurt.
The connection may be good some
of the time. You may love and need
the person who hurts you. After
being abused, you may feel you
don’t deserve to be in a healthy,
loving relationship.
With help, you can work on
your relationship. Or, sometimes
in an abusive relationship, you may
be advised to get out. Either way,
others can help.
If you or a friend needs help
with an unhealthy relationship,
contact the National Domestic Violence
Hotline at www.thehotline.
org or 1-800-799-SAFE. If you
know a child who may need help,
find resources at the Child Welfare
Information Gateway at www.
childwelfare.gov.
/www.thehotline.org
/www.childwelfare.gov
