Underwear,
Parachutes & Papayas
The other day I was catching up with my son, who is a sophomore at
college, and he was dealing with the complexities of laundry. “Dad,” he
exclaimed, “I figured out if I buy a packet of underwear, I won’t need to do
any laundry until Spring Break and then I can just bring it all home and have
Mom do it.” I must admit I was very impressed, as I realized that: 1.) He was
thinking ahead, and 2.) He had clean underwear. Both of these were happy
observations for me, and I all I could say was, “Son, you are brilliant - just
like your father.”
But as my son went to implement his master plan, he failed in one critical
area: the purchase of the new underwear. For those of you who haven’t
been underwear shopping lately, let me tell you, buying underwear is a big
undertaking. I mean, there are a lot of choices. And even most importantly,
there are a lot of price points. And my son, being the youngster that he is,
foolishly bought a packet of the cheapest pair of Fruit of the Looms that he
could find. And my guess is he is now walking around with his twigs and
berries compressed into a permanent wedgie and probably talking two or
three octaves higher ala Mickey Mouse. Cheap underwear should come with
a label that says these are “very small and very tight underwear.” And every
guy on the planet will tell you – small and tight is never something you want
in underwear.
I realized, as my son does now, that there are some things in life you just
don’t skimp on. I mean, don’t get me wrong, price does play a very important
part in many purchasing decisions. I’d love to drive a Bugatti Veyron, because
I think everyone should have 1200 horsepower at their command. But that’s
not really in the budget. And yes, a rock star house with a pebble tec pool
would be great, but that’s not exactly in the budget as well. So I manage my
money, just like the rest of us. But dammit, there are some things that I’m
not going to skimp on. And Underwear is one of them.
I’d also like to think that if I ever found I needed a parachute, I would buy
the most expensive, highest quality parachute known to man. Yes, I’ll take
the Bugatti Veyron of Parachutes for me, please. I’d just float to earth like a
butterfly in the breeze, with my expensive underwear flapping gently against
the wind.
But that’s just me. If you read my articles, you know I take great pride in
peer reviewed articles, so naturally I asked some other friends and family
what the one item is they won’t skimp on. My buddy, who is an avid cyclist,
tells me to never skimp on a bike seat or tires. My dad echoes the never
skimping on tires. He endorsed the bike seat as well, even though he
doesn’t bike. But his logic is sound: if it is the only thing between your ass
and pavement – never skimp. Solid advice. Probably applies to parachute
purchases as well.
My bartender tells me to never skimp on buying a bra. Good to know. The
wife tells me to never, ever skimp on buying a mattress, which is really good
timing for her, because I think we need a new mattress. And some dude just
leaned across our table and told us to never buy cheap heroin. I think he was
joking, because his girlfriend told us she won’t sleep with someone who has
a dirty bathroom or has cheap toilet paper. So add toilet paper to the list. And
for her sake, I’d add quality condoms. Just saying…
You know, despite our middle class means, there’s actually a lot of things
we don’t skimp on. Sort of makes me proud to be an American, you know? We
don’t skimp on the important stuff. Which brings us to the most important
thing that you can never skimp on buying - papayas. Pay the money. Go
organic, top shelf, all natural papayas. If there is a Bugatti Veyron Papaya,
that’s the one you want. Only the best papayas for you.
You’re worth it.
TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | MAY 2018 25
By Jimmy Prosser
We are looking to avoid the Beach Bum Parade, but specifically we do
not want to get wet? Any ideas what we should do?
Ok, first off; lame. Beach Bum Parade is AMAZING. It’s a tradition, it’s a rite
of passage. It’s the moistest event on Tybee. (Fun Fact #1: I instantly regret
having used the word moistest, GAHHHH, I did it again. Make it stop, make
it stop.) But if you’re going to be like this. Moist. Here’s what you should do:
By J. Beebs
Step One
Stay indoors, stay away from the windows and doors. Don’t go anywhere
near faucets, taps, spigots, sinks, tubs, showers, toilets, drinking fountains,
bidets, or floor drains. The water wants to find you, and if I’ve learned
anything from multiple Hurricanes, it is this; water always wins. Moist.
Step Two
If you must venture out into the world, I would wear a garbage bag over my
head. Some folks might tell you to use a clear trash bag so you can see,
but those tend to be thinner and more likely to rip. If you really don’t want
to get wet. Moist. I would use a black garbage bag, one with draw strings.
Put it over your head, pull the strings, and suffocate. Suffocate like you are
suffocating the fun out of yourself. Who doesn’t want to get wet in The Beach
Bum Parade? Moist.
Step Three
Leave. Just get off the island. Leave under the cover of darkness, drive to
Hilton Head. Have you been there? They have a Zaxby’s. Zaxby’s is AMAZING.
Their chicken is moist. Moist. Their fries are perfection. That sauce. Oooh, let
me tell you about that sauce. It’s delicious. And what does Tybee have? An
abandoned Arby’s which is starting to look like an archeological dig of a fast
food restaurant. Off topic! Moist.
I think I have given you some great examples on how to avoid getting moist.
And if I haven’t, just be glad you don’t pay for this advice. Moist. Moist. Moist.
Moist. Moist.