Food & Whine
Food. It’s what fuels us, literally.
Gone are the days where the
good ‘ole PB&J does the trick
or you head to the local burger joint and
get a cheeseburger with French fries and
a milkshake. Instead, these days, you might
have a mini slider hanging off your milkshake,
served in a tall glass with who
knows what else accompanying it. Maybe
there’s some alcohol in the shake. Maybe a
couple fries for dipping or who even
knows anymore – some general Tso’s that
perfectly compliments your soy saucehoney
ginger matcha milkshake with icecream
made from the dairy excretions of
cows who only eat sushi. It’s 2018. This
might not be real, but then again, somewhere,
it might be.
The food craze has pulled us in all sorts
of directions, most of which I cannot even
keep track of. Frankly, it burns too many
calories to even try, and my low-cal, only
eat on even numbered hours and minutes
with no dairy, protein or grains diet really
has my fine tuned-body running as efficiently
as possible. Who knew that the byproduct
of such an obviously medically
backed diet would be constant fatigue?
This, however, isn’t meant to be about
my diet plight or my inability to keep up
with the latest diet craze. I’m fat and love
food, and that’s OK. I work out to enjoy it.
This rant, however, is about how crazy
food has become.
I often voice my thoughts about how
social media has seeped into many aspects
of our society, and the food craze is no different.
I have friends who make their
money taking pictures of food, and I commend
them. For the most part, they are
thin and in shape too, so I commend them
even further. But that got me thinking –
maybe they aren’t really eating that cheeseburger
with two cheesecakes acting as
buns. Maybe it’s all for show. Probably, it
tastes like shit.
I’ve scolded (while also handing my
hard earned money) to Taco Bell for being
the farthest thing from Mexican food, while
also being delicious and incredibly creative.
However, amongst the culinary community,
the Bell is rarely recognized for being light
years ahead of every restaurant that now
makes a sushi pizza or has the courage to
put mac and cheese in a sandwich. Taco
Bell has been making up menu items forever
in the hope of “going viral” while the
only shots these food Instagrammers were
taking were green poops into their diapers
– thanks in part, to the Taco Bell tacos
grandma got them. Thanks, Grandma!
Remember the tough times, when that
3 a.m. visit to the local diner had you torn
between the nachos and the disco fries?
Well, don’t worry about that anymore, because
there are now places where you can
get nacho disco fries. You heard it here first,
ladies and gentleman. It’s a plate full of fries
and nachos and cheese and gravy. If you’re
lucky enough, you’ll find it on top of a pizza.
Pizza: the world’s most delicious plate.
You can pile stuff on top of a pizza and just
pick it up and shove it in your mouth. Pepperoni
and cheese? What are you, 90 years
old? We put cheeseburgers on our pizza
now. We put full salads. We put French fries.
We put lasagna on it. All of this is happening
around us – yet the war on PB&J continues
to wage on. The world has gone mad.
I ordered a Bloody Mary in the city
once and I swore I had to eat more of it
than drink it. There was a full buffet sticking
out of the thing. By the time I actually go
to the section with the vodka, I was in a
food coma. This was before I ordered my
Eggs Benedict, which, of course, was a Guacamole
and Chorizo Eggs Benedict with
honey chipotle lime sauce. After all of this
(and three Pepto tablets), I felt disgusted
and defeated. But it received 131 likes on
Instagram!
LAST LAUGH
By Brandon Goldstein
130 BC The Mag FALL 2018
Why
Is There
Alfalfa On
My Onion
Rings?