22 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | NOV 2018
You’re not a Patient!
You’re Family
TybeeTeeth.com
At Tybee Teeth, we treat every patient who comes in
our door as family and a friend. We want everyone to
have the best experience with the most ideal dental
care possible. We would love to take care of all your
dental needs. Feel free to call and ask questions or
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1018 US Hwy 80 • Tybee Island • 912-786-9433
By Jimmy Prosser
A Guide to
Navigating the
Holidays with your
Family
It’s time for the holidays, time for friends and family, but most importantly,
it’s time for Bad Advice 2.0! This time around I’m going to help you survive
family get-togethers. Let’s face it, family time can be rough, your relatives
are weird, and probably racist, some are pervy I’m sure, so sit down with
your hottest cousin, and read our guide to navigating the holidays.
Step One: Travel. Let’s face it, its gonna suck. There’s no way to avoid this,
unless you have Thanksgiving at your house (Fun Fact #1: That ain’t never
going to happen.)
Step Two: Always be late. Be the last one to arrive, and the first one to
leave. Don’t get stuck making awkward small talk about what’s happened
since the last holiday/funeral you all attended together. Show up late and
loudly, make it be known how important you are. Talk down to the group
and make them regret why they keep guilting you into these functions. (Fun
Fact #2: This has great potential to get you out of the next holiday/funeral.)
Step Three: Bringing food. Spend little effort here. If you’re asked to bring
a dish, do something easy like cookies from the grocery store (preferably
stale) or deli pasta salad. You didn’t have to make it and it doesn’t taste like
it was made with love. And rightfully so. How can you make a dish with love
when you’re being burdened into it?
Step Four: Drinking. Bring your flask just in case your teetotaling Aunt
Mildred hasn’t yet realized that her vodka bottle with four inches of dust
on it is 90% water. (Fun Fact #3: You know this because you’re the one who
did it.)
Step Five: Dealing with your dysfunctional family. Why do you want to
spend the holidays with people you avoid through the rest of the year, since
the holidays are always filled with drama, sideways comments, insults, and
guilt trips about not being around more? My advice is throwing in a wellplaced
barb when the occasion arises. (Fun Fact #4: You know that you’re
just as dysfunctional as they are, if not more so.)
Step Six: Dealing with the Family Perv. Everyone has an Uncle Andy - you
know, the one that everyone loves because he’ll make you laugh until you
fall over. But by 11am, he’s already smoked a pack of cigarettes and is
drunk as hell and is chasing you around the table. You can avoid this by
grabbing his ass before he grabs yours. Problem solved.
Step Seven: Politics. If dinner is super boring and as dry as Aunt Mildred’s
turkey, liven things up by announcing that you are the new president of
either The Stormy Daniels Fan Club or The Kanye West Fan Club. This may
not moisten up the turkey, but it will certainly spice up the table talk. (Fun
Fact #5: Aunt Mildred may write you out of her will, especially when she finds
out about the vodka.)
Step Eight: Religion. Regardless of your particular faith, if you stand up
and announce you have just joined a cult, chances are everyone will be
so shocked and dismayed at you. Maybe this will be a good time to Exit
Stage Left.
Step Nine: Grin and bear it. This option is one you must prepare for. Get
your expectations in line with reality. You will be in a hostile environment.
My advice is refer to Step Four (keep an extra flask in the car) and take
up smoking. (Fun Fact #6: Smoking takes longer than one day to kill you.)
Step Ten: Stay home. If you can’t handle any of the above steps, my
advice is to stay home, open up that can of Ravioli that’s been sitting in the
cabinet for two years and binge watch your favorite horror movie. (Fun Fact
#7: Chef Boyardee will never chase you around the table.)
I hope the above advice will get you through the holidays. See you at the
gym in January! (Fun Fact #8: No you won’t.)
/TybeeTeeth.com