Acquire This!
I hit a landmark birthday earlier this year, and lately I’ve been pondering
what it all means. I’m in that nostalgic mood, where I’m reflecting on
decisions made and all the things I did or didn’t do. Overall, I have no
complaints. Well, no major complaints.
Actually, I am slightly irked about one little thing: Why the hell am I not
fluent in Spanish?
I have nieces and nephews who were fluent in Spanish by the time
they were five years old. My wife is fluent in Spanish. My kids are fluent
in Spanglish, which is still light years beyond me. But dammit, I have
been studying Spanish since high school and that includes three years in
college! All these years of formal learning and the best I can spit out is a
few dirty words (thanks to my brother-in-law), and “donde es el bano?” I
wonder if I can get a refund on tuition for all those Spanish classes I took
in 2000 somethingish?
But college refunds aside, I am wondering how come I didn’t get at
least the Spanglish card? And that’s when my wife, the keeper of the
languages, explained the secret: Kids don’t learn a language…they
acquire a language.
She tells me this now, after several years of marriage and repaid
student loans. I thought about saying “Maybe you should have mentioned
this before I took those mierda classes!” but after this many years of
marriage, I knew better. So instead, I asked lovingly, “I wasted three years
of College Spanish and I could have just acquired a language? Sort of how
I acquired a taste for beer?”
She told me it doesn’t work that way. And I guess I knew that. Because
the acquisition game is a tricky one, and it gets trickier as you get older.
Kids acquire knowledge 24/7 and don’t even know they are doing it.
Languages. Musical Instruments. Athletic Ability. Math Smarts. They
just go out for 15 minutes at recess and sing songs about Pythagorean
theories and throw a ball around with their buddies. After a few years
of doing that, they find themselves flawlessly singing Led Zeppelin
covers in garage bands, simultaneously doing their geometry homework
and getting recruited by Division 1 Colleges for their sport and brains.
Meanwhile, I see adults who study guitar for hours every day, practicing
scales until their fingers are blistered, and are screaming triumphantly
when they strum out Love Me Do by the Beatles. IT’S AMAZING!
4 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | NOV 2018
Even my dog has gotten in on the acquisition game. Don’t get me
wrong – he’s learned a bunch of tricks, which we taught him by bribing
his stomach. Sit … get a treat. Roll over … get a treat. Bark at the
mean neighbor … get a treat. But he’s acquired a few tricks of his own
too. He has a squirrel fetish and will take out anything and everything in
a straight line between him and squirrel. He pokes everything with his
nose – people, rocks, cars, trees – looking for a squeaker. And he will
burp everytime he sees me. I didn’t teach him any of those tricks. He just
acquired them.
At this point, as an adult, I fall under the category of an “old dog.” And
maybe it is true you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. But that’s ok,
because I really don’t want to learn anymore anyways. My brain is full
of useless facts. Did you know most car horns honk in the key of F, that
bees have five eyes, and that women blink twice as much as men? I’m
done learning things. But I could go for some acquisition. Sign me up for
that.
I’ve been chasing the guitar for a bit, so it would be nice to acquire the
rest of that skillset. Maybe piano too, because why not? And being able
to cook like Emeril and “kick it up a notch!” Heck, why not? Master Chef
cooking skills acquired! And why stop there. I need a little spending cash,
so Warren Buffet skills on the stock market would be handy. Maybe do a
little investment here and there, so Mark Cuban, I need some Shark Tank
skills.
But sadly, I know that for adults, acquisition is really a substitute word
for experience. We learn through experiences. So my dreams of being
a MasterChefMusicianInvestor… are going to take a little while. I’ll get
back to you on that.
So what’s this all mean for you dear reader? Well, take a look around.
You’re relaxed, sitting comfortably, and perhaps enjoying a tasty
beverage. Clearly you’re a person of high intellect because you’re reading
the latest Tybee Beachcomber. Based on this, my experience tells me
that it is evident somewhere along the line you have acquired a thirst for
quality drinks and a passion for the finer things in life. Clearly, you are
on a happy path, and I predict you will acquire amazing knowledge and
experiences over the next year. But if for some reason, after reading this,
you find yourself compelled to push things with your nose to see if they
squeak, you have acquired the wrong part of this article! Please re-read
this article and see if the feeling vanishes. If this is your second time
through the article and you still feel compelled to squeak your friend,
consult your bartender immediately. Cheers!
By J. Beebs