Coping with
Holiday Stress
The Ultimate Family
By Thomas Gagliano
The holidays are a wonderful time of
year for many of us, but they can
also produce a great deal of stress.
Running from store to store, managing our finances,
dealing with overindulged children and
communicating with parents, in-laws and stubborn
family members all contribute to rising holiday
stress levels. And, between the in-laws, ex-laws and
step-laws, just deciding which family to spend the
holidays with can send us over the edge.
Sometimes, returning home and rekindling the
family dynamics we grew up with can be the most
stressful of all. No matter what identity we have
tried to shape for ourselves in the outside world,
many of us are forced to face the roles we were
set up to play in childhood when we go back home.
For example, how many of us play the role of
the people pleaser? Do you say “yes” to family and
friends because saying “no” is too painful? What
inner voice tells you that you’re a bad person
when you say no to others? Who is the caretaker?
Do you carry the burden of the family’s problems
on your shoulders because it’s your role to take
care of everything and everyone? What inner voice
makes you feel guilty when asking for help? What
about the perfectionist? Were you allowed to
make mistakes in front of your family? The world
would certainly have stopped revolving if your
loved ones had ever seen you stumble at times.
When you made a mistake, did you identify yourself
as the mistake? Do you play a defiant role? This
is where you always have to be right with family
members, even if it pushes them away. What inner
voice tells you that you need to be right even if
you push loved ones away? How many of you play
the invisible role? When you return home for the
holidays, do you lose your voice and disappear into
the background, unable to share your thoughts and
feelings with your family?
There are three essentials needed to change
your role: awareness, action and maintenance.
Without awareness, you won’t understand the
ways to change your actions. Without actions,
there won’t be newer roles to maintain.
1. Grow in awareness. Why do I
act the way I do? What are the payoffs for
my actions and what are the costs? The
more I grow in awareness, the easier
it becomes to change my behaviors.
I learn how to say no to
this voice in my head that tells
me I’m a bad person if I don’t play
a certain role.
2. Take positive actions.
First, don’t react to situations, or
you’ll just do what you’ve always
done. Instead, when confronted
with a bad situation, pause and
solicit the help of others before
you take action. This is
BC Health, Beauty & Fitness 32
Survival Guide
By Thomas Gagliano