My Almost Million Dollar Idea
I always like it when a classic tune gets rewritten better than the original. Bob Dylan wrote All Along the Watchtower but then Jimi Hendrix made it a flat out slap when
he did his version. Dolly wrote I Will Always Love You, but we all know that’s Whitney Houston’s song. Ditto for Respect, which was penned by Otis Redding, but we all
think Aretha when we hear it.
Granted, you have to be careful when you are messing with remaking someone else’s music. I’ve heard a few covers of Hotel California, and I’m not sure anyone’s
going to steal that one from the Eagles. Bohemian Rhapsody is all Queen. There’s only one Stairway to Heaven. There are just a few songs out there that can’t be duplicated.
I’m most definitely not a singer, but I occasionally write. So I spent a few minutes thinking maybe I should take a crack at rewriting something. And that’s when it hit
me: I should rewrite the Famers’ Almanac! You know, just freshen it up a bit. Maybe mix some articles from Rolling Stone in there, throw in some business angles or a
crossword puzzle and potentially get some cross readership – you know, expand the subscription base.
Ok, you might think this is little crazy, but redirecting books to different audiences is not unheard of. Sun Tzu, an ancient Chinese general, military strategist and
philosopher, is credited for writing The Art of War, which was originally penned to help warlords and military types dominate the world. You know, back in 500 BC, it would
be in the very back of Barnes and Noble in the ‘Do it Yourself ‘section, right next to ‘Fire for Dummies’ and ‘100 Things You Can Do with Bat Guano.’ And I’d imagine
The Art of War was a modest success next to those other books. But The Art of War really took off when someone much cleverer than all of us applied all Sun Tzu’s war
lessons to business. Shortly after, every business student in the 80’s and 90’s had to read The Art of War and contemplate how to take quotes like ‘force the enemy to
reveal himself’ and apply this wisdom to mock hostile takeovers and stock IPOs.
So yeah, I thought – let’s redirect the Farmers’ Almanac. It’s got great name recognition, but who really reads it? I’ll just cash in on the brand name! This is a million
dollar idea! You know, I’ll keep all the weather predictions, quirky tips, various calendars, but add something in there about marigolds and make all the business students
read it and then argue about it. And again, before you dismiss my sage wisdom here, let’s not underestimate the marigold. Gardeners have long admired the marigold
for its bug and pest repelling properties. Experienced gardeners will mix marigolds in with other crops, such as tomatoes, and reap the benefits of ‘companion planting.’
So you can just hear the business applications here. Surround yourselves with marigold people! Take a look in the board room. Do you see any marigolds? Or are you
surrounded by the nemesis of companion planting – the walnut tree (because evidently, walnuts are toxic, and things don’t like to grow next to walnuts). Marigolds or
Walnuts? Who do YOU want to work with? Is your boss a Walnut? Kick them to curb! I’m telling you – there’s a business angle here! I was certain I had a brilliant idea
here.
Excited, I went to the web and pulled up the Almanac. And then I discovered a serious deal breaker. The Farmers’ Almanac has been in continuous publication since
1818. It’s published annually, has 80% accuracy on its weather predictions, and already has some pretty quirky stuff in it. Dammit. The Almanac is the ‘Hotel California’
of books. It’s the Michelangelo. Very difficult to duplicate or imitate. Not to mention I suspect a few lawyers would be involved. I’m realizing now, that any attempt to
cover or redirect the Almanac is going to be a complete train wreck, sort of like when Miley Cyrus tried to remake Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana. Or when Janet had
an apparel malfunction during the super bowl half time show. Some things just can’t be messed with. Sigh. So disappointing.
So dear readers, I’m back on the lookout for the next million dollar idea. Feel free to share your million dollar ideas with me, because you know I’m always on the
lookout. Just send them in to the Beachcomber, please attached a $100 processing fee. (Hey Alaina, I’m thinking 1000 new ideas, each with a $100 processing fee…
and we are headed to Cozumel… now that is a million dollar idea!)
TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JAN 2019 27
By J. Beebs