Serving coffees roasted by Batdorf & Bronson
Espresso, cold brew, nitro
On Tap, frappes, smoothies & more!
1213 80 east
Next door to huc a poos in tybee oaks center
TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | AUG 2019 7
MMM...So
Good!
cold brew made in house
hours mon-sat: 7:30-5 sun: 8-3
912-224-5227
By Jimmy Prosser
Dear Bad Advice, have you considered
running for mayor of Tybee Island?
You bet your sweet ass I have! I would be the best mayor Tybee has ever
seen! I live here, and work here, and drink here, I know all the things we
need to do to make this island better. So pull up a chair, order a drink, and
read my Campaign Promises of ‘Prosser for Mayor 2019’:
1. The first thing I would do, if elected mayor, would be to correct
the situation with GDOT (Georgia Department of Transportation) on
Tybee Road. For those of you unfamiliar with our situation, the people
of Tybee said, ‘We’re tired of being killed in head-on collisions on the
causeway, please widen the road, and put a concrete divider down the
middle.’ To which GDOT said, ‘Heard you loud and clear, we’ll narrow
the road without warning, to trick people into causing more accidents.’
As elected Mayor I would DEMAND they remove all remaining lanes of
traffic. And just completely cut Tybee off from the mainland. America.
2. My second act as elected Mayor - I would require the Police
Department to coax and remove all residents from their homes and
turn them all into short-term vacation rentals. No one gets to live
here. That is the new rule! This Island has 184,000 homes, and 640
residents. The biggest drain on the city is our citizens. Tybee’s citizens
account for 100% of the full time population. How are we going to fix
this? Get rid of the people. It’s that simple!
3. Parking Rate. The problem with the current city parking rates is that
they’re still affordable. People continually keep coming here. We need
to raise these rates until no one is willing to visit Tybee. At this point we
can raise the rates of all of our short-term rentals so people know just
how exclusive we are. Our value will only be in the eyes of our beholders.
4. Hurricanes. Oh sure, Buelterman helped us to survive two hurricanes.
But did any of you conclude that he was behind both hurricanes? If
elected Mayor, I guarantee to use my Mayoral Power and double that
number. I believe we can cause the biggest hurricane Tybee has ever
seen. It’s going to be legendary. How you ask? We offer the hurricane a
free P.O. Box at the post office, at this point it will be obligated to come
visit. Voilà!
5. As your newly elected mayor I want to discuss a problem I hold
dear to me. Recycling. Tybee hates recycling with a passion. Don’t
believe me? I live alone. I have a sand and olive drab trash can and a blue
recycle bin. You know the bin. Covered in orange stickers, one for every
time you ever tried to recycle, threatening to hurt a shelter animal if
you recycle anything made of glass, plastic, aluminum, paper, cardboard,
earth, air, wind, or fire. After building my palatial mayoral mansion, I will
come up with a solution. Like actually recycling the contents of the bins.
6. The sand dunes - or lack thereof. I have a mighty solution, one
the police department and city have been actively practicing without
knowing it. When elected mayor, I will have bi-annual trashing of city
property paid for by taxes. We will drive every car, truck, ATV, golf cart,
and mobility scooter we can get our hands on into the marsh. If the Army
Corps of Engineers isn’t going to help stop erosion, then I’ll be damned if
I don’t do my best. We can use the newly submerged city owned vehicles
to build artificial dunes. It’s brilliant.
A lot of folks have said to me, “Jimmy, you saucy minx, you don’t even
own property here.” Well news flash. Sea levels are rising, so the ocean
levels probably are too, since I don’t know the difference. Listen, in like
four years this whole island is going to be under water. Only a fool would
invest in property here. If I wanted to own water I’d buy a bucket.
Don’t forget to vote for me on Election Day. I mean, could I really make
it worse?
Love forever, and for always, PROSSER FOR MAYOR 2019.