December Horoscope By Gage McKnight
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Your utter lack of tact and diplomacy should ensure that everyone dislikes you, but for whatever reason,
you have a fiery, magnetic personality that draws people in. Like a moth to a flame that is. As a Sagittarius, it is your tendency to overestimate pretty
much everything about yourself. You never screw up because in the land of your own mind, you can’t do anything wrong and someone else is always
to blame.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) You have the personality of a tree stump. Of all the signs, you are the most whiny and boring. You will always
see the glass half-empty (or more), and nothing will convince you otherwise. You are the buzz kill at parties and you can suck the light out of the
sunniest day. Some say you’re shy... you’re actually not, you’re completely self-absorbed and anti-social. You aren’t an introvert, you’re an.... oh, never
mind. Suffice it to say, you have zero social skills and spend a lot of time alone because you are your own favorite person.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) You do what you want when you want and laugh in the face of any semblance of order. The only time you don’t
do this is when others happen to be running late. At that point you get all cranky and moody and wonder how anyone could have the audacity to
inconvenience you. You are manipulative, moody, melodramatic and probably pretty much any other negative M word there is, or any other letter of the
alphabet for that matter. If you were born with this sign, the future doesn’t look good.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You are very bitchy and unreasonable to most people and others don’t really like it when you seek to help them, since
you are only doing it for selfish reasons. Your over-sensitive and pessimistic nature, combined with your self-sabotaging perfectionism means you are
destined for a life of mediocrity. You will never be truly successful at anything, because doing that would require you to get out of your own way and
that’s just not in your nature. The motives of a Pisces are never pure and they often come with a price. Munchausen anyone?
Aries (March 21 – April 19) When you’re not busy annoying the will to live out of everyone around you with your aloof, know-it-all condescension,
you spend a great deal of time engaging in reckless, impulsive and undisciplined behavior. When a project needs to be done, you’re the one who will
systematically “half-ass” it, leaving it sub-par and unfinished for everyone else to attend to while you set off on your next adventure. You’re the person
that makes the workplace a truly wonderful place... when you leave.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your possessive nature and tendency towards jealousy also make you prone to stalking and never knowing how to take
“no” for an answer, in anything, ever. You mistake the term “frugal” with “cheap”— meaning you don’t date much. You are not only cheap and selfindulgent,
you tend to be rude as well. Another reason many of you live in your mother’s basement well into adulthood.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Gemini people are so naturally intelligent they bore easily, which is really just a lame excuse for being flaky and
undependable. What you lack in organization, you make up for with almost limitless energy. No one can create a chaotic workspace with as much
enthusiasm as you. Your dual personality means you are bi-polar moody with no direction, boundless energy and a tendency towards intense anxiety.
In other words, you are a high-strung basket case and most people think you’re truly crazy.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You are moody, oppressive, chronically pessimistic, hyper-emotional, and suffocatingly clingy. If that weren’t enough, you
are also prone to being a nag and will find something in any situation to unceasingly complain about. You see every tiny challenge in life as Everest
and are a chronic victim. No one on Earth has known the troubles you’ve seen. Everywhere you go, a violin should be following you playing a sad song.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) Your sexiness and good fashion sense is, of course, what truly matters in your superficial world. Forget the ocean, you’re
about as deep as a birdbath... one that hasn’t been filled in a while. Your controlling nature, obsessive need for attention, constant demands and lack
of patience make your good looks the only thing that keeps you alive. But guess what? Leo’s age like Kaitlyn Jenner’s plastic surgery.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) You’re fussy, hyper-critical and stubborn. This, coupled with your wholly anal retentive nature and inability to ever be
pleased, make you easily one of the most excruciatingly painful people to ever have to work or live with. No matter your age, your stunning lack of
personality makes you the epitome of the grumpy old man screaming at the neighborhood kids to get off his lawn.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) You actually have an amazing gift for playing other people. Most see you as indecisive and sort of gullible, but
that’s not always true. You are actually quite clever and able to show people exactly what they want to see in order to charm them into giving you your
own way. It’s almost as if you aren’t stupid at all and are actually very, very manipulative, despite appearances to the contrary. Hmm… how about
that? Well played Libra, well played.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Scorpios are by far the worst of the worst. Narcissism, jealousy, rage, blind ambition, and shrewd intellect with
no compassion, you’ve got it all. It’s like a smorgasbord of pure evil. No one is as manipulative, cunning, secretive or power hungry, and nobody holds a
grudge like you. Scorpions often sneak up on their prey before stinging them and the people with this sign are no different. Even when they are smiling
in your face, they are plotting your demise, unless they have a use for you, then you may be safe for a while.
40 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | DEC 2019