Bartender Chronicles By Gage McKnight
Where to begin... Well, my first year working Pirate Fest was very… hmm… well, exciting. Not in your typical super exciting ‘I’m making all of this money’
or ‘You get a car! You get a car! Everyone gets a car!’ kind of way. No, my excitement came out of pure hatred and confusion. You see, I work at a very
popular well-known restaurant, so naturally we were all “prepared” for this particular weekend... or so we were lead to believe.
The weekend started out pretty smooth and unexpectedly calm… until Saturday night, aka ‘The beginning of the end.’ The restaurant I am employed at
is very high volume, so of course they staff accordingly (no competence required). That being said, we had 6 employees on the floor, but by the time the
first wave hit, we lost three of these unfortunate, weak souls. So the events I’m about to explain to you are 100% real and could not be made up. Trust me.
Three servers had just walked out, the restaurant was full of obnoxious, drunk patrons (pirates), so the only thing to do to keep from losing my mind was
thinking of traveling back in time for a Quaalude. I immediately got a 9 top, a 4 top, a 6 top, and finally, a 15 top. All at once. If you know me, well then you
know my biggest fear in life besides hair loss is birds. I got the 9 top and 4 top situated and turned around to go to the 15 top when I realized that they
had the two biggest, most demonic looking parrots that Satan could’ve have sent from hell. So naturally, I said, “Hell no,” and turned to go help the 6 top
instead. Mind you I’m very busy and only have milliseconds to breathe.
I greeted and asked the 6 top what they would like to drink to start off with. Well, with no sense of urgency, they just gave me the most dumbfounded look
I think I probably have never even seen on a two year old. After a few seconds they started throwing hands at me as if I had just landed in Area 51, and
then it finally dawned on me - ITS SIX DEAF TOURISTS THAT HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M ASKING THEM! So here I was, stuck between deaf people and birds
(again, my biggest fear). So I did what any self-respecting server would do and threw some paper down on the deaf table, then turned around and threw
paper down on the bird table (so I wouldn’t have to get near them and their squawking demons).
About 30 minutes went by and all of my tables wanted to cash out at once (thank god, because that’s not difficult at all). I got back to the deaf table to
divide their checks, all separate (just can’t make this shit up), imagine how fun that was. While I was figuring that out, Satan’s bird decided to FLY AT ME!
I don’t care why those three weak bitches quit before I went through all this, but I stayed, I conquered and I can honestly say that the three things I learned
from this experience was:
TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | DEC 2019 7
1.) Never trust a bitch with a pet bird;
2.) A deaf person holding up five fingers is not, in fact, an invitation for a high five; and
3.) I think I have a pirate fetish.