Sometimes, I allow myself a few minutes to wish
I had found a better way to deal with that voice.
But actually, my journey has made me better. I
would not change a bit of it, even though it was so
fraught with struggle. The struggle is what makes
us stronger. It sounds like a Nike ad, but it’s true.
3why is it a good thing
to conclude that you
have messed up or
failed at life?
Moi? Mess up? *Shudder*
I was a straight-A kid. I couldn’t tell you exactly
why I chose this lifestyle, perhaps I had no choice.
It was just a part of my DNA, like my brown eyes or
my inability to tell north from south. I am pretty
sure it has something to do with my dad being
in recovery and some pretty solid codependency
issues stemming from that, true. I just know that
I opted out of track in the seventh grade because I
would not place first at all of my races, and I really
love running. This was my life. It was clear-cut,
defined, and very driven. This worked for me for
some twenty years, but eventually I did what any
normal person would with this kind of work ethic:
I got really tired. Here’s how alcohol worked for
me then: I maintained the perfect little life, but
I started drinking really heavily at night. It was
contained. It was tidy. It was just me, my wine,
and my Seinfeld reruns, nearly every night. For
another twenty years I kept this up, all the while,
alcoholism just sat quietly by, folded its arms, and
said, “Don’t worry. I’ll just wait right here. You
just take your time.”
And then, at forty, when I really should have been
on my game, I let my life fall apart. Marriage, two
moves, two babies, staying home, all of it mixed
itself up into a strong cocktail that begged for
more alcohol to be added to it. And alcoholism
was more than happy to accommodate.
So, when I needed a solid, responsible, and
upright life the most (I was now a mom of two;
if ever there was a time to rally, it was now) I
failed. Big time.
And thank goodness. I messed up, colossally.
On a failure scale of one to ten, I was at eleven.
I laid waste to my morale code, my parenting
code, my marriage goals, all of it. And, you know
what? I’m glad.
We can be beautiful. We understand things
through a filter that refined our understanding
of people, places, and things. Granted, this filter
hurt. It scraped us through. And now we know
what’s important. When we lie our head down
on a pillow at night we thank God for the pillow.
We are alive in our skins. We are the grateful ones.
4how can we redefine
“perfect” to embrace
more happiness?
Perfection does not live in our own actions. It’s
not in the spotless house with the tasteful decor.
We cannot work our bodies to achieve it, with
sinewy muscles and bronzed limbs. We cannot
make our minds perform at its level unless we
make sure no one around us ever interrupts us,
and I’m pretty sure that’s never going to happen.
We can’t sing in the shower to it, although we
try, and that’s ok.
Perfection also tends to show up the minute we
look away and stop yearning, or trying so hard.
It’s an elusive little guy. It shows up when we least
expect it, and very often it is in the chocolate
frosted grin of our eight-year-old. We think he
is perfect, with his freckles and long lashes. We
don’t just think it, we know it. He is that unicorn,
off frolicking about with his rainbow potty humor
and his messy face.
So, basically perfection is tied to our love for
others. It is illuminated, if only briefly, by acts of
service and sacrifice for these folks. And it does
not come when called. As soon as we accept
all of that? We will have a few moments with
perfection and then we can realize — it’s meant
to be free. We don’t need it around us all the
time. If we are graced by it once in a while, that’s
enough. The rest of life is layered with grace just
with knowing this.
Meet the Author
Dana Bowman is a long-time English teacher and part-time professor in the
department of English at Bethany College, Kansas. Her first book, Bottled:
A Mom’s Guide to Early Recovery, published by Central Recovery Press, was
chosen as a 2016 Kansas Notable Book. She is also the creator of the popular
momsieblog.com and leads workshops on writing and addiction, with a special
emphasis on being a woman in recovery while parenting young children.
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