WRITER’S
BLOCK
TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | NOV 2017 15
This month I’ve been asked by an anonymous city council candidate,
and they bring up a valid question: Why do screen doors on Tybee
open out, when it would be much easier to fall IN if you were drunk?
That’s a great question! And it gave me a great idea! Since a lot of residents
are now being flooded with handouts from FEMA and MASSIVE Payouts
from their private insurance companies, I’d thought I would walk you
through the best improvements and repairs to make with your newfound
suitcase of cash!
Screen Doors - I am not a scientist, though I frequently claim to be one
before doing something stupid or dangerous. To upgrade your house to
have an inward opening door, we need to get down to the basics. Hinges.
The hinge bone is connected to the door bone, and the door bone is
connected to the wall bone. I believe if you flip the hinge it will Work the
opposite way. Or maybe it won’t. I actually can’t picture this one in my
head.
Tile Floors - Stop with the carpet people. Just don’t do it. Buy a rug.
Choose tile (not hardwood, hardwood can warp under feet of salty flood
water). When you pick a tile, always start laying it from all 4 walls and
meet in the middle. This allows you to get creative, maybe even mosaic
this bitch up when your project fails to align (Fun Fact #1: Just like my
hopes and dreams).
Sheet Rock/Dry Wall - Are they the same thing? Just like Big Foot, UFO’s
and Manatees, no one knows for sure. But we can speculate. As you repair
the walls in your home, allow me to make this recommendation. Start
about 3 feet off the ground. That way when the next storm rolls in you can
point and laugh at it because it was unable to damage your walls (or lack
thereof). If you think that would look weird ask Carolyn McGarry Williams,
she took my advice after Hurricane Matthew, and have you seen how good
looking her children are? For real though.
Roofing/Shingles - Slate Tiles? NOT HURRICANE PROOF. Ask my neighbor.
Metal Roof? NOT HURRICANE PROOF. Standard Shingles? NOT HURRICANE
PROOF. Just don’t even try. The roof on my house was partially repaired
after Hermine, completely replaced after Matthew, completely replaced
two months later for being poorly installed, partially repaired in May, and
again in September, prior to and directly after Irma. Skip the roof. They
don’t work! If your roof is too securely attached to the house, it will rip off
in one piece and destroy/ruin everything! (Fun Fact #2: Just like my hopes
and dreams).
Electrical Sockets - Keep them high like your grandmother on glaucoma
medication. Start a trend - ceiling sockets. I can picture it now. Walking
into a house with iPhones dangling from taped up white cords attached to
the ceiling. Families ducking, and dodging iPads, and the ceiling dreaded
laptop. Do blenders work upside down? Probably.
Appliances - Skip the microwave, they’re unhealthy (Fun Fact #3: I believe
that’s the only real advice I’ve ever given). Buy a stove but keep it upstairs.
The refrigerator works better in the living room. And don’t bother with a
washer and a dryer, I’ve seen what most of you wear. Just throw all your
clothes out.
Lighting - Invest in something LED, regular lightbulbs belong in closets. If
you don’t have a light in your closet, stop reading and go get a better job
until you can afford to put lights in your closet. Use soft lighting, and as
one of those metrosexuals I hear so much about, I have one word for you:
dimmer switch. Ugly guest? Turn the lights down. Trying to get Papa to trip
so you can inherit his life savings? Turn the lights down. Someone sexy
comes to your door? Turn the lights down so they can’t tell what a mess
you actually are.
Decor - Home Goods. That’s it.
Plumbing - Build a giant shower. The more shower heads you have is
directly related to the size of your … er feet, yes feet. Put 47 heads in
your shower. Invite me over. I’m OCD, I shower five times a day. I’m not
even sure what a dry towel is. If you want to come off as fancy, but are on
a budget, a garden hose with a “jet” nozzle can be used in lieu of a bidet.
Just make sure your bathroom walls are easy to wipe down.
Building Material - Wood is great, but it doesn’t grow on trees. Which
means oftentimes we have to use other materials. I happen to live in a
fortress, my interior walls are brick, the exterior shell is cinderblock, and
there’s concrete board covering that. I also have aluminum foil over my
windows. But that’s to help with the voices, and has nothing to do with
rough carpentry. If you’re anal like the person who built my home, try using
everything you can to solidify the structure.
Paint - THIS ISN’T KEY WEST. No pink. No teal. Stop. You’re hurting my
eyes. I can’t take it anymore.
It is my biggest wish that this advice has helped you. And that you will all
invite me over for tacos in your new houses! Tune in next month for an
exciting new episode of Bad Advice from a Beach Bum!
This month’s featured writer is none
other than our very own Jimmy Prosser!
Jimmy can be found on most days at
Bubba Gumbo’s, where he will make
your dining experience a delight. I don’t
know if Jimmy knows this (so please don’t tell him), but we here at the
Beachcomber bless the day that he started writing for us. He writes several
articles for us each month, including Feature Stories, Monthly Rants, and
one certain article that must not be named. A word of advice for our faithful
readers: Don’t take any bad advice from this beach bum!
Most Important Questions of Life:
Tybee Life: 3 years
My Passion: Friends, dining out, and wine (whine?)
When I grow up I want to be: Rich, skinny or dead. I don’t care. Pick one.
My Spirit Animal: Panda Bear - they are cute, cuddly, funny, universally
beloved, and they eat all day.