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1018 US Hwy 80 • Tybee Island • 912-786-9433
TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | OCT 2018 27
Don't be
a Real
Pirate
take care
of them
Teeth.
See y’all
in the
Parade!
By Jimmy Prosser
We were wondering if you had any advice
on how to prepare for a hurricane?
Listen here folks. I am semi pro when it comes to prepping for hurricanes.
I have a whole list of things to do, in order to make the most out of losing
everything you own. Grab a pen, and paper, just kidding, take a photo of
this with your phone, who knows, someday it might just save your life.
Step One: Tracking the hurricane. There are so many news and media
outlets that it’s hard to choose just which one to follow. If you really want to
know if we’re in imminent danger, drive by City Hall. Those folks will happily
tell you we’re not at risk for a hurricane while simultaneously boarding up
their building. If City Hall is boarded up - Panic. Like, completely panic.
Lose your damn mind panicking.
Step Two: What to pack. There is no right or wrong answer, take the
obvious, television, laptop, phone charger. You know, the essentials. Then
maybe food and important documents. I always use the hurricanes to clean
out my filing cabinet. Just throw away tax records, bank statements, and
pay stubs. Make sure you loudly declare “It’s a shame the storm flooded
my house and took all of these important documents,” as you throw them
out before the storm gets here. (Fun Fact # 1: This also works for crappy
homemade gifts.)
Step 3: Itemize what you plan to leave. I don’t really understand why I
do this, or why many of us do this. It’s recommended to take pictures and
videos of everything you own for insurance purposes, but let’s be real,
chances are if you’re reading this you’ve been quoted on flood insurance,
and we all know it’s too damn expensive, so we live without it. Speaking
of floods, I suggest bringing in your garden hose and flooding your home
before you evacuate. That way the damage has already been done and you
know what to expect when you return home. (Fun Fact # 2: Fire is also a
good way to destroy your own home.)
Step 4: Securing your property. Again, this is pointless, but I have a page
and a half to fill, so just try to keep up. Alright. Board up the windows. Duct
tape the windows. Sand bag the doors. I’ve heard (honestly) people have
had luck with expanding foam around their doors and windows. Tie down
your lawn furniture or throw it at a neighbor. Let’s face it, we all have that
one neighbor we’d like to hit with a lawn chair. Just whack ‘em in the head
and blame the impending wind. This is probably the best way to legally
attack someone with things you find on your patio.
Step 5: Deciding to stay. If you plan on staying, and why wouldn’t you,
here’s some helpful insight on how to survive the next few days. Buy plenty
of liquor, beer, wine and cigarettes. Even if you don’t use any of them,
they can be used to barter. Always assume you’ll drink one cup of water
per day, so usually a refilled 2 liter is enough per person, per week. Don’t
worry about food, the Thomas’ will likely keep Huc A Poo’s open during the
entire storm. (Side note: Is that seriously the safest structure on the island?
I am starting to think it is.)
Step 6: Exploring a Vacant Island. You’ve decided to be one of the
thousands of Tybee residents who didn’t leave. Go talk with your neighbors
and post Facebook live videos of you driving around a “deserted island”
with everyone else doing the exact same thing. Finish filming, go get drunk
on the south end, and grab a bite at Poo’s. Realize only like six people you
know actually left.
Step 7: Into the storm. With wind picking up and water just screwing
over everyone who lives on Miller and Jones, you should start to question
if this was a good idea to stay. At this point you may want to write your
social security number on your body in permanent marker and maybe any
funny jokes you know, because seriously, it would be a shame to lose a
good joke. (Fun Fact # 3: Write your SSN somewhere naughty so the first
responders have a giggle when they find your identification under your
tatas or sack.)
Step 8: Survey the damage. Go check on your friends and families homes
and businesses. Someone go check on my apartment. Take a picture of the
limousine that sits in the field. What’s up with that anyway? Post pictures
and videos to Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram.
I will rest easy knowing all my favorite people are now safe from hurricanes.
(Fun Fact # 4: The word Hurricane is French for “wet tornado.”)
/TybeeTeeth.com