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TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | SEPT 2019 7
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By Jimmy Prosser
Dear Bad Advice, have you
considered running for mayor of
Tybee Island?
Part 2
More Campaign Promises…
• As the youngest and probably gayest mayor Tybee has seen since Young
Gayman himself, I promise to improve your quality of life by recklessly
using our FEMA money to build an inter-island monorail - hereby known
as the drunk train to move hordes of tourists seamlessly across the island
from bar to beach, to bar, to hotel, to bar. I will use the revenue produced
from the drunk train to bribe Hollywood bigwigs into mentioning Tybee in
the movies through subliminal messages (also, turns out, I cannot spell or
pronounce that word. I had to call like six people to get this far into this
paragraph). And through those messages we will trick wealthy movie goers
into visiting and spending money on our little island.
• Also, it’s 2019, and I think it’s time we settle on the best end of the island,
North v. South, mano e mano, a fight to the death. Or, maybe the losing end
has to buy drinks for the far superior end. As someone who lives central
on the island, I will be the perfect judge for the battle. From my third floor
balcony I can see both the pier and the lighthouse. It’s like the Purge except
everyone is drunk and yelling “you ain’t Tybee!”
• I believe it is the mayor’s duty to infringe on Tybee businesses, require
them to behave and or appear in a certain manner. For starters, I’m
bringing back Crab Legs to the Quarter. There. Tybee is already a better
place. Speaking of making Tybee a better place, we need to do away with
Arby’s. I could elaborate but this is the one thing I know we can all agree
upon. Now, hear me out, Tybee has a few bars, but what we really need is
theme bars. Where are all the cowboys going to drink if we don’t have a
cowboy bar? Valid point.
• Speaking of infringing, I plan to immediately ban analog clocks and
cursive writing. If I don’t know how to do either, then it has no business
here on Tybee. Look at your phone and quit staring at these round wall
monstrosities and shouting out random times. I can’t tell if you’re lying or
not! The one hand is on the one, and the six hand is near the six, that little
fast ass hand is going crazy. Stop it. I won’t allow these damn clocks to ruin
our island any more. Additionally, stop with the cursive. I think its cursive,
it could be French. I have no idea what it says. Learn to text, people! Leave
the pen and paper alone.
• By now a lot of you are probably saying, “Jimmy, if that is your real name
(it’s not), what do you think the biggest challenge will be now that you’re
the new Mayor? Well my beloved supporters, the biggest challenge I’ll
face is keeping my ducks in a row. Not metaphorically. I’m going to use
my mayoral salary to purchase thousands of duck eggs (which I’ll need
help counting before they hatch) and then I’m going to line my ducks up
in a row. I want the largest duck line the world has ever seen this side of
Savannah. What is Tybee known for? Who the hell knows? But now we can
say ducks.
PROSSER FOR MAYOR 2019
“The Prosserbilities are endless.
Vote for me you won’t regret it.
Or maybe you will.”
*On a more serious note, please do your research and cast your vote for
Tybee’s new mayor from one of our many qualified candidates. Maddie
Williams already said she’s going to write me in, and that’s really all I
want. One write in vote (though I wouldn’t complain about five or six).