Gemini (May 22 - June 22) - During your quarantine, you spent so much time alone with all of your personalities that you forgot to be
safe. You are and always will be the first to contract any virus or disease (remember your high school years?) so it’s a surprise that you
still have friends in spite of the fact that your punch card to the clinic now gives you a free visit.
Cancer (June 23 - July 23) - Well, you have finally done it again. You bored even Death himself with your tiring emotional bickering and
endless crying, so he gave up and decided to give you a free pass. Now you need to find something else to bitch about. Like how your
pet won’t talk to you every time you walk around the grounds naked with a cocktail.
Leo (July 24 - Aug. 23) - It is not all about you. Focus on others in your sphere. Stop hoarding toilet paper or I’m going to tell everyone
to keep swiping left on your Tinder page.
Virgo (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23) - The quarantine has you staying with your loved ones and family and I completely understand/feel for you. We
all know that you did not mean to set your house on fire with everyone inside. As smoky as your future is looking, it seems that you have
cleared the air of all your problems. The stars see a change of identity and an account in the Cayman Islands in your future.
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - Your strong personality and take no prisoners attitude has served you well. However, as Confucius once said,
“Even if you have nowhere to go, take a shower and get out of those sweatpants.”
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) – Insert your own insult here: ___________________ you ___________ and furthermore y’all can
___________ a _______________ and ___________.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - This was supposed to be your year, until Covid. But you pulled yourself together and made a plan. You
invited your friends to stay with you until you realized that they had used all of your toilet paper. I understand why you relocated them to
your basement and are now rationing your supplies. The real question you face now is how are you going to wipe your butt?
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - Just like a true American, you have grown bored of Covid, so you have decided it’s over. Fortunately for
you, your lack of brain cells gives you a pass on your reckless behavior. If you insist on being out and about, please make sure it is fun
activities – like running into traffic with a pair of scissors.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Well your birthday was a blast seeing as how you were more than likely in quarantine. The good news is
you are ‘roni’ free and safely locked away so no one has to see your face. The stars have a great year planned for you – even if you are
alone.
Pieces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20) - Did the quarantine finally give you the validation you needed to be an alcoholic without shame? Then you are
100% entitled to a lifetime of cirrhosis of the liver and a bonus of free blackouts! If you call now, we will throw in an unlimited supply of
‘grow up’ you pretty loser. No wonder you were put up for adoption and no - your real parents are not a king and queen.
Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 20) - As your quarantine comes to an end, and your waistline no longer has one, you start to wonder, “Will I recover
from this? Will life ever treat me the same?” Well, I am here to tell you that no, nothing will ever be the same since you decided to become
the size of your own personal self-shame billboard. The only way you will get anyone to want you is to ration yourself out to the poor, but
stay positive baby and keep your all of your chins up!
Taurus (Apr. 21 - May 21) - Unfortunately for you, the stars are saying you are having the worst of the worst this quarantine season. I’m
sad to be the bearer of bad news, but the government just released a new statement today recalling all Taurus’ from ever procreating
again due to the lack of both IQ and teeth. That could be just a rumor though. I don’t know. I just work here.
26 TYBEE BEACHCOMBER | JUNE 2020
JUNE HOROSCOPE By Gage McKnight